How to Connect with Your Heart (And Get Out of Your Head) with Katie Hendricks
What if the reason you struggle to speak from your heart isn’t because you don't know what to say, but because you've forgotten how to connect with yourself first? Most of us want deeper connection, but we’re so stuck in our heads, running on adrenaline instead of presence.
This week, Gervase sits down with best-selling author and international consultant Katie Hendricks to explore how to make the journey from head to heart and discover the practical tools that make authentic connection possible.
Katie reveals why most of us are walking around “from the neck up,” running on adrenaline instead of presence, and how this disconnection affects everything—from how we show up with our partners, to how we navigate conflict, to how we experience our own lives. She shares practical tools for reconnecting with your body, giving yourself nourishing attention, and moving through the world with your heart open, even when it feels scary.
Listen to this episode now to discover:
The simple “hmm” technique that shifts you from criticism to curiosity (and opens the pathway between your head and heart)
Why most people live “from the neck up” and how this keeps you running on adrenaline instead of true presence
Katie’s “loop of awareness” practice—how to circulate attention between yourself and others so you don’t get lost in your head, or lost in others
How to ask yourself “How am I experiencing this in my body right now?” and why this question changes everything
Why opening your heart feels scary and how to move around the fear instead of forcing through it
The difference between giving attention from adrenaline versus presence and why one nourishes while the other depletes
How to separate “stuff talk” and “heart talk” so business doesn't block heart connection with your partner
How to shift from seeing your partner as a “fixer upper” to an evolving work of art
The game-changing concept of a “no blame relationship” and how to create one
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Connect with Katie Hendricks
Be. Play. Love Podcast: https://beplaylove.com/
Love and Relationship products: www.heartsintrueharmony.com
Hendricks Institute: www.hendricks.com
How to Connect with Your Heart (And Get Out of Your Head) with Katie Hendricks
Episode Full Transcript
Gervase: All right, everybody, welcome back to the Modern Phoenix Podcast. I have brought you a bit of a legend today. Katie Hendricks is here with us to share a beautiful conversation. Katie, it is beyond an honor to be here across from you. Thank you so much for your time and your work in the world.
Katie: Oh, thank you. It’s my pleasure. Having this way of connecting with people when we’re not in the same place has been so exciting. We can have these conversations and share presence no matter where we are in the world. I think it’s one of the best things about technology.
Gervase: Agree. And you are such a connector in the way you show up. I’m really in love with your podcast.
Katie: Oh, thank you.
Gervase: Your podcast is so good. I literally listened to one of the episodes twice because the way you speak about relationships is so refreshing. It’s grounded, wise, and something I really respond well to.
I have to say—the first personal growth book I ever read was The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, your husband, which I’m pretty sure you influenced quite a lot.
Katie: Yes, yes, yes.
Gervase: It’s wild to be here with you 11 years later after reading that book. Let me read your bio so people can come into our world, and then let’s dive in.
Katie Hendricks, bestselling author and international consultant, has been an evolutionary catalyst, contextual disruptor, and freelance mentor for over half a century. She’s passionate about our ability to give and receive more nourishing attention and loving play in all aspects of our lives.
Her purpose: I feel through to the heart with laser love and evoke essence through deep play.
So beautiful.
Katie: Thank you so much. It took me several years to really land on, “This is what I do.” Because you go to parties or conventions, and people ask, “Who are you?” Usually people say, “I am a writer, I am a coach.” But I wanted to say, “Here’s what I do in the world.” And that always leads to, “Oh, how do you do that?” It opens a conversation rather than putting me in a category.
Gervase: That is so good to hear. I truly struggle with that question depending on my environment. When I first became certified as a life coach 11 years ago, it was so edgy for me. The word “life” in front of it—like, I’m going to coach you through life—felt so pretentious. I would panic when someone asked me.
Over the last decade I’ve changed a lot, added modalities and passions to my portfolio, but I still freeze depending on who’s asking. Like yesterday, the window guy was here and said, “What do you do?” I said, “I help women untangle who they are from who the world told them to be.”
That is what I do, but I cannot land it. It sounds like the train is still leaving the station. Part of me feels really nervous about it.
Katie: I’ve found that if I move from a noun—“I am a”—to a verb, it makes a big difference in how I experience myself. It also creates a connection. If I say, “I facilitate, I assist, I guide, I consult,” those are verbs. “I am a” fixes you. Verbs are my favorite. I forget who said it, but I love the quote: “I think I am a verb.”
Gervase: I love it. As you were saying the verbs, I checked in with my body and felt a sense of wonder and play. That kind of kicks us off.
You are really an expert in so many things. In your bio, when you wrote about connecting with the heart, I thought that was really interesting. Let’s start there, if that’s okay with you.
I have some brilliant friends, and one therapist friend once told me: when she’s in a conversation and struggling to explain herself, she closes her eyes, puts her hand on her heart, and says, “I wish you could feel what’s in my heart right now, because in my heart I feel…” Even as I say that, it makes me emotional.
Some people listening will roll their eyes, but for others, the idea of communicating through the heart might feel foreign. How would you recommend someone start? Like, if you’re in a conversation and not connecting, the words aren’t landing, and you want to cut through and speak from the heart—you have to first access it in yourself. How can people do that?
Katie: I’d say the main thing people struggle with in relationships is making the trip from head to heart to body. It’s like a canyon. Many people say, “I don’t know what I’m feeling.” Or, “I know what I’m feeling, but I don’t know what to do about it.”
The big move is including the rest of your body. When people are talking about an issue, I ask, “How are you experiencing that in your body right now?” Even if they don’t have an answer, they have to do something—they have to make that trip and inquire. That’s the move, and most people need to make it many times.
What helps is curiosity. The sound hmm moves us from our critical brain into our wonder brain.
Gervase: Oh my God, I just did it. I went, hmm.
Katie: Exactly. That sound opens the highway—your throat, your breathing, your ability to speak. Hmm relaxes your throat, so you’re not gripping to say the right thing. It allows you to think better. So I suggest: hmm.
Another thing is to take slower breaths. That moves you out of fight/flight/freeze/faint into presence. Then, I like to have people share something they appreciate about themselves. For example, I might say, “I appreciate the quality of your voice—when I hear it, I find myself relaxing.”
Sharing appreciation opens the space to be with ourselves more fully. Because most people live from the neck up—in their heads, in their phones, thinking about life rather than experiencing it. They don’t move. Kids learn through movement, but adults suppress that playfulness and spontaneity. So I ask people to shrug their shoulders or feel their feet, just to experience their body directly.
Opening the heart is scary for many people because they’ve been wounded. So I don’t go directly for the heart. I move around it with breath, movement, appreciation. It lets people know however they are is welcome.
Gervase: Thank you. That felt like hearing someone describe focalizing—the body-based modality I’m trained in. The journey you described is almost identical.
In focalizing, we repeat: no shame, no blame, no expectation, no pressure. Just show up however you are. It sounds cheesy, but giving someone permission to be as they are—even anxious or disconnected from their heart—is a big deal.
Katie: It is. We grow up in environments where rules matter more than presence. “Look good, be nice, don’t say anything if it’s not nice.” Spontaneity gets suppressed.
Letting people know however you are is welcome—that’s the biggest gift. I use the image of sitting with a friend on a porch swing, just rocking together. That slows down the anxious stuff and lets essence emerge.
I’ve even asked people to invent how they like to retreat when it’s too much—like building a fort or creating a safe space. That makes a huge difference.
Gervase: Yes. I was told I was “too sensitive” growing up, and now I know that’s my superpower.
Katie: Exactly. Sensitivity lets us find the little windows where people are closed off. Presence trickles through the cracks like water. And instead of saying, “There’s nothing to be scared of,” we let people feel safe through our own presence. That thaws the ice, lets energy flow, and brings us back to being enough.
Gervase: It also shifts us from achievement fueled by adrenaline—which is empty—to nourishment through oxytocin and connection.
Katie: Yes. One of the practices I use is the loop of awareness: shifting attention between yourself and others. Inside, it looks like noticing a sensation and being curious instead of critical. With others, it’s noticing them, then noticing yourself. It keeps circulation going.
When I use loop of awareness, I can teach ten-day trainings and end up more vital than when I started, because I’m constantly refilling myself. It’s like an attention pump.
Gervase: I love that. My friend Edie Allen, a Big Leap facilitator, taught loop of awareness and essence pacing at my retreat last year. It’s so approachable.
In my Inner Knowing Mastermind, I emphasize resourcing. But it can sound too cognitive. Loop of awareness feels more natural—like a constant rhythm: in to me, out to you, back to me. It’s not time-blocked self-care. It’s moment by moment.
With my three kids, I see how much better my days flow when I check in with myself throughout: Do I need water? Do I need to slow down? That’s embodiment. That’s sustainable.
Katie: Yes. And if you add a quiet hmm when you shift, it brings curiosity instead of criticism.
Most people are “outies” with attention, always outward. So just shift the other direction. That’s the basic skill. You can also play with rhythm—fast, slow, alternating. It wakes up the witness inside you, who can say, “Oh honey, you’re anxious. Let’s be with that.” Often, acknowledgment and a breath is all that’s needed.
Gervase: That reminds me of saying “I’m fine” with a broken hip.
Katie: Exactly! Years ago, I fell off my bike and broke my hip. Within five minutes, fire trucks and ambulances were there. They asked, “Are you all right?” and I said, “I’m fine.” Automatic. Even with a broken hip. That’s how ingrained it is.
Gervase: Yes. “Don’t mind me, just a broken hip.”
Katie: Right. But when you learn loop of awareness, you stop draining yourself. You can give from fullness. And attention becomes nourishing instead of fear-based.
Gervase: That’s beautiful. Let’s talk about relationships. You and Gay have been married how long?
Katie: We’ve been together 45 years, married 43.
Gervase: Wow. You clearly figured things out. You’ve said presence and attention open love and creativity—but what about when stuff gets in the way? Like resentment, exhaustion, decades of disconnection?
Katie: We created two conversations for couples: the stuff talk and the heart talk. Ten minutes each. Stuff talk is for the business of life—schedules, toilets, dishes. Heart talk is for sharing experience and appreciation.
This structure keeps the business from overwhelming the relationship. When you know you’ll have a business meeting, your body relaxes. It takes a couple of months to get into rhythm, but it’s worth it.
Another big shift is seeing your partner not as an improvement project but as an evolving work of art. Commit to appreciating. Whenever you catch yourself criticizing, move to appreciation. Research shows you need at least five appreciations for every criticism. We chose a no-blame relationship years ago, and it’s been transformative.
Gervase: I love that. I tell clients—it’s never about the dishes. It’s about connection.
Katie: Exactly. If dishes are an issue, schedule a stuff talk. But heart talk keeps love flowing.
We also teach couples to drop words and use sounds and gestures when they’re triggered. It often turns funny. Or we’ll have partners put their hands together and go, “Na-na-na-na-na-na.” That’s what all power struggles are. Then you laugh, melt the adrenaline, and reconnect.
Gervase: Yes. It brings you back to why you’re together. You didn’t marry for a clean sink.
Katie: Right. You marry for love, fun, and co-creativity. A relationship is like a team, like a great sports team. Everyone becomes an expression of the whole. Out of that “we space,” new ideas and creations emerge.
Gervase: And resentment dissolves when you shift from blame to appreciation. Instead of demanding they change, you get curious: what happens if I shift to appreciation?
Katie: Yes. And when in doubt, it’s probably fear. Befriend fear, and the energy caught in fight/flight becomes available. Sometimes just saying, “I feel scared” (not “I feel scared because you…”) shifts everything.
Gervase: Thank you so much for your wisdom. We’ll link your books, websites, and materials in the show notes.
Katie: Thank you. What a pleasure to co-create with you.
Gervase: I want to acknowledge you. The little one in me is grateful for your mother energy—nurturing, loving, grounded, wise. I soaked it up. Thank you for your presence today.
Katie: Thank you.
Gervase: Tell everyone how they can find you.
Katie: We have two websites: hendricks.com for seminars, coaching, and relationship resources; and foundationforconsciousliving.org for dozens of free videos on breathing, essence pace, loop of awareness, and more. Our nonprofit offers programs on restoring resourcefulness and creating caring community.
We also share on my podcast Be Play Love with my partner Sophie.
Gervase: It’s so good. Your relationship with her is lovely to listen to. We’ll link all that in the show notes. Thank you again, Katie.
Katie: Thank you.