I Choreograph My Whole Life Around Joy
What if you planned your day around what lights you up—on purpose? In this raw solo, Gervase shares how a rooftop birthday party became a masterclass in scheduling for joy instead of obligation. From proactively blocking her calendar and rescheduling a client to delegating kid pickup and coaching a friend out of “show face” energy, she models what it looks like to let inner knowing lead. Expect grounded coaching on permission, partnership, mom‑guilt, entrepreneurship, and why your ecosystem thrives when you bloom. Feeling good isn’t frivolous—it’s functional.
What if you planned your day around what lights you up—on purpose? In this raw solo, Gervase shares how a rooftop birthday party became a masterclass in scheduling for joy instead of obligation. From proactively blocking her calendar and rescheduling a client to delegating kid pickup and coaching a friend out of “show face” energy, she models what it looks like to let inner knowing lead. Expect grounded coaching on permission, partnership, mom‑guilt, entrepreneurship, and why your ecosystem thrives when you bloom. Feeling good isn’t frivolous—it’s functional.
Listen to this episode to discover:
How to use your calendar as a subconscious signal (“this matters”)
Why modeling aliveness is real leadership (at work and at home)
The mindset reframe for rescheduling without guilt
How to delegate life‑load (kid pickup, anyone?) so joy has space
The litmus test: feeling good feels easy when the inner work is landing
This episode is for you if:
You’re over “show face” energy and want to lead from aliveness; you’re a mom who keeps crunching joy between pickup and meetings; you’re an entrepreneur who built freedom but still plays by invisible rules; or you’re simply ready to block the joy first and let the rest of life rearrange.
Pull Quotes:
“Add it to the calendar. Tell your subconscious: this matters.”
“Leadership through aliveness beats leadership through obligation.”
“You don’t have to earn sunshine—you lean toward it.”
“You’ll know the work is working when feeling good is easy.”
Resources Mentioned:
Inner Knowing Immersion — two 90‑minute sessions + custom hypnosis (21‑day anchoring)
Nuuly clothing rental—G’s referral code: https://share.nuuly.com/gervase7
Find Andrea Serrano (birthday muse + rooftop magic) on IG: https://www.instagram.com/andreaserranocurates/
Join us:
Be part of the Phoenix community—circles, retreats, and offerings that honor endings, beginnings, and everything in between. Join to receive biweekly entries from my Phoenix Diary: https://www.gervasekolmos.com/subscribe
Work with Gervase:
1:1 coaching - learn more about it here
Inner Knowing Immersion (2× 90‑min 1:1 + custom hypnosis). Limited to two per month: The Inner Knowing Immersion
Follow Gervase
Instagram: www.instagram.com/gervasekolmos.com
YouTube: www.youtube.com/@themodernphoenix
I Choreograph My Whole Life Around Joy
Episode Full Transcript
Hi friends, welcome back to another episode of The Modern Phoenix Podcast.
If you’re new here, my name is Gervase Kolmos—inner transformation coach and all-around messy, magical human.
Today, I want to tell you a personal story. I’ve been loving this space for longer, more intimate shares—real-life moments where I take the Phoenix Path, inner knowing, and this way of womaning, and apply it to my regular, everyday life.
Because I’m not one of the rich and famous. I’m just a normal woman who believes she gets to create a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.
And I meet far too many women doing this in reverse. They build the life that checks all the boxes—looks a certain way, achieves the right milestones, says yes to the right obligations—even when, on the inside, it feels like a no. It feels like something’s missing.
So today, I want to tell you about a dance party.
A dance party I went to on a rooftop last week for my friend Andrea’s birthday.
Because it’s the perfect example of how easy it is for women to play small, to twist themselves into pretzels to be good, high-achieving, responsible moms—and miss out on creating a life that actually feels amazing, centered around joy.
Stay with me.
My friend Andrea Serrano—you should all follow her if you don’t already—is one of those women who embodies how good life gets to feel. She does such an intentional job of creating a life that feels like art. She curates beauty, expression, and joy so naturally that everyone around her is magnetized to it.
Finding her felt like discovering a diamond in a sea of rocks. So it’s no surprise that for her birthday, she planned a fabulous rooftop party at this gorgeous hotel in downtown Charleston—with a mystical, magical theme.
Of course, there was a dress code. She’s a stylist, so I understood the assignment: look fabulous. There would be a DJ, a hundred people, drinks, appetizers, the whole thing. And the best part—it was from 12 to 3 p.m. on a Thursday.
When I first got the invitation about a month before, I looked at it and thought, Wait… Thursday? That’s a workday. I opened my Google calendar—which, by the way, is basically my personal assistant. I don’t know how anyone does life without one—and I saw I had a client call from 12 to 1, but the rest of the day was free.
I did two things right away.
First, I added the event to my calendar and blocked off 12 to 3 p.m.
Second, when I was doing my monthly Nuuly clothing rental—by the way, if you want a discount code, DM me on Instagram—I picked a dress I’d been wanting to wear for months and added it to my Nuuly.
And that might seem small, but those two actions were everything. Because they signaled to my subconscious: This matters.
I didn’t know how I’d handle the client call yet. I hadn’t figured out kid pickup. But I created space in my life for this to matter.
A lot of women would’ve seen that invitation and thought, I’m too busy. It’s a workday. I can’t.
Or maybe, I don’t have anything to wear, and let that be the end of it.
But over the years, I’ve learned that when I invest time and intention in things that make me feel good—like planning what I’ll wear—it changes how I show up. When I feel like myself, when I feel radiant, I prioritize joy differently.
So I blocked it off, ordered the dress, and told myself, Okay, we’ll figure out the rest later.
As the event got closer, I started looking at my week. The client session was still sitting there on Thursday from 12 to 1. And I realized: if I keep that, I’ll end up rushing—getting ready after, driving there, probably showing up at 2 for a party that ends at 3.
That’s not joyful. That’s “squeezing it in.”
And I’ve outgrown squeezing joy into leftover space.
So I asked myself: What around this joy-bursting event is going to make it feel crunchy or rushed?
Two things: the client session, and kid pickup.
And this is where I see so many women stop. They don’t move the pieces. They just accept that joy has to be inconvenient.
Not this time.
I talked to my partner and said, “Hey, on this Thursday, I’ll be at Andrea’s birthday party. Can you handle kid pickup?”
He said, “Of course.” We split that load anyway.
Then I reached out to my client. I said, “Hey, this isn’t a dealbreaker, but would you be open to rescheduling? I have something that really matters to me.”
And she said yes, no hesitation. Because my clients know that when I model living from aliveness, I give them permission to do the same.
I’ve always believed: leadership through aliveness beats leadership through obligation.
When I became an entrepreneur, I noticed how much weird energy women have around scheduling—around being “responsible,” keeping commitments even when it means overriding themselves.
I tell my clients right away: if you can’t be present, reschedule. Presence matters more than performance.
It’s not about flakiness; it’s about integrity with your energy.
So, I moved the session. My client was fine. The world didn’t end.
And suddenly, there was space for joy to breathe.
The day of the party, I got ready with a friend. She looked at her phone and said, “I should really check in with my team at 3:30. Just to show face.”
And I said, “Wait—didn’t you become an entrepreneur for freedom? What if leading your team looked like modeling aliveness today? What if showing face isn’t the flex—showing life is?”
She paused and said, “Wow. Thank you for that.”
She came with me.
We drove downtown, fully in our feminine flow, blasting music, feeling fabulous. And for once, we weren’t rushing home to pick up kids or jump on meetings.
We scheduled our day around joy.
Because what’s the point of going to the party if you’re going to spend it thinking about what you “should” be doing?
We showed up. The DJ was already spinning. The rooftop glowed with sunlight. I felt that familiar aliveness flood my body.
Dance is my medicine. Always has been.
So in the middle of a conversation, I just said, “I’m needed over there,” and hit the dance floor.
And I danced my face off for two straight hours.
It felt so good. So easy. So natural.
And it hit me: This is what alignment feels like.
I’ve done so much work to align more with my inner knowing—my natural essence, my joy, my vitality—than with the conditioning that says perfection and professionalism are the prize.
Because I’ve talked to too many women to believe that’s the point.
I heard people making comments like, “Oh, Andrea threw herself her own birthday party,” or, “Isn’t that a little much?” or, “Must be nice.”
And I just smiled. Because I’ve learned that when women are truly embodied in their joy, it can trigger something in others who haven’t yet given themselves permission.
I even got a text that day from someone saying, “I couldn’t get away from work.”
And look, I’m not dismissing that reality—some people really can’t. But I also know how often that’s a story. A belief. A pattern. The ways we handcuff ourselves to responsibility, guilt, and performance so deeply that we can’t see the open door.
We’ve been conditioned to believe that being good means being joyless.
That we have to earn our aliveness.
That productivity equals worth.
But it’s a lie.
What I’m suggesting—and what this party reminded me—is that joy is not a luxury. It’s medicine.
I’ve spent years doing the work to “polish my insides,” and now I get to have both—the beautiful life on the outside and the deep, peaceful, playful joy on the inside.
Every day isn’t a rooftop dance day, but when the invitations come? I say yes now.
And I want you to say yes, too.
I know it can feel hard at first. Whether you’re a stay-at-home mom with the story that you can’t take time because you don’t bring in money—hi, internalized capitalism—or a corporate leader burning the candle at both ends.
I’m saying: what if we had more women who were fully alive?
What if we made space in our calendars for pleasure, trusting that it’s not indulgent—it’s intelligent?
Because joy doesn’t just feel good. It changes things. It changes how we mother, how we lead, how we relate.
One woman at the party told me she felt guilty leaving her husband home working while she was out dancing. She said, “It just feels weird. Like he’s working and I’m playing.”
And I asked her, “Is that the marriage you want? The dynamic that brings the most connection, joy, and chemistry? Do you really believe that matching grind for grind creates intimacy?”
Because in my marriage, it’s a dance—a trust fall.
Me: “I believe I get to have a joy-filled, abundant, sexy, playful life.”
My husband: “I believe you do too.”
We give that to each other. Without guilt.
And that trust creates aliveness in our relationship.
That’s how I know the inner work is working: when feeling good feels easy. When joy feels natural. When guilt starts to dissolve.
Because when we access that space of ease, we stop overfunctioning and start embodying our power.
And guess what? It gives permission to the people around us to do the same.
That’s leadership.
Not martyrdom. Not perfection. Not showing face.
Leadership through aliveness.
That’s the medicine women are craving.
It’s what our teams, our children, our partners, our communities need most—us, alive.
I tell my kids all the time: “Go where the light is.”
Friendships, opportunities, joy—they should feel like sunshine.
And you don’t earn sunshine. You just lean toward it.
It’s the same with joy. You don’t earn it. You make small, daily choices that move you closer to your light.
Step by step, you become the most expressed, most alive version of yourself.
That’s the Phoenix path.
To do that, we have to untangle who they told us to be. Untangle the noise in our minds—the stories that tell us to check the boxes, keep up, and perform—and instead, listen for the whisper of inner knowing that says, “This. This is what feels like me.”
Because when you bloom, the whole ecosystem blooms with you.
You are part of a living, breathing network that thrives when you thrive.
And I didn’t just wake up one day with this kind of ease.
Ten years ago, I was crying in my therapist’s office every week, trying to choose between doing what looked “right” and what felt true.
After my first baby, I had to start making tiny, daily decisions toward safety, peace, and sunshine. Quitting jobs that didn’t fit. Saying yes to therapy. Saying no to guilt.
That’s where this work begins. And I promise, the momentum builds.
My clients often reach these shifts faster because they have me in their pocket—a mirror reminding them it’s possible, that it’s worth it, that their inner knowing is trustworthy.
But no matter your pace, the path is the same: you decide it’s worth it. You believe it’s possible. You make space for joy.
And the moment you do, your nervous system starts to believe you.
So if you’re listening and thinking, “That’s me—I want that ease, that aliveness, that freedom,” then let this story be your permission slip.
Because I learned it by watching my friend Andrea. And maybe now, you’ll learn it by watching me.
Who are you trying to impress by staying small?
By keeping it polished and perfect but feeling dead inside?
No one worth your life.
It won’t make your husband desire you.
It won’t make your kids feel safe.
It won’t bring your clients transformation.
The only thing that does that is when you are so fully yourself—so embodied, expressed, and connected to your own essence—that it radiates outward.
So if that’s you—if you’re ready to take this work deeper—here’s where I’m inviting you.
I’ve created something brand new called the Inner Knowing Immersion.
It’s two 90-minute one-on-one sessions with me, followed by a custom hypnosis track I craft just for you, from your energy field.
After our sessions, I block off four hours and immerse myself in your essence—your blueprint. I listen for what your soul is asking for, what your next evolution is ready to become.
Then I record a hypnosis—a kind of meditation with a goal—that you can return to again and again.
It’s powerful, intuitive, and deeply personal.
I’m only taking two of these a month because they require my full presence.
You can find all the details at gervasekolmos.com/immersion, or just DM me on Instagram.
If you have questions, email hi@gervasekolmos.com.
And please—share this episode with a woman who needs the reminder that joy is her birthright. That she doesn’t need to earn a Thursday rooftop dance party at 2 p.m.
She just needs to say yes.
I love you. I’ll see you back here in two weeks.
Ciao.
When I Don’t Know What to Do, I Return to Me
When I Don’t Know What to Do, I Return to Me is a raw solo where Gervase shares two real-life vignettes—a Zoom with a master lawyer taken from a Costco aisle and a mama-bear moment about her child’s bully—to show exactly how she moves from rumination to inner knowing. You’ll hear her NPR framework (Notice–Pause–Resource), the shift from outside eyes to inside eyes, and the embodied practice of taking your seat so your next right-for-you move becomes obvious. She also introduces The Inner Knowing Immersion: two 90‑minute sessions + a custom hypnosis track to anchor this practice for 21 days and beyond.
When I Don’t Know What to Do, I Return to Me is a raw solo where Gervase shares two real-life vignettes—a Zoom with a master lawyer taken from a Costco aisle and a mama-bear moment about her child’s bully—to show exactly how she moves from rumination to inner knowing. You’ll hear her NPR framework (Notice–Pause–Resource), the shift from outside eyes to inside eyes, and the embodied practice of taking your seat so your next right-for-you move becomes obvious. She also introduces The Inner Knowing Immersion: two 90‑minute sessions + a custom hypnosis track to anchor this practice for 21 days and beyond.
Listen to this episode to discover:
🧭 The NPR micro‑framework to move from spin to center
👁️🗨️ Inside eyes vs. outside eyes (and how to switch)
🪑 What it means to take your seat—even in public
🧠 How to spot self‑gaslighting and people‑pleasing
💌 Why clean energy = clean communication
🎧 How a custom hypnosis can anchor self‑trust for 21 days
This episode is for you if:
You’re looping on a decision, performing to be palatable, or afraid of getting it “wrong.” You want practical, embodied tools to choose the truest thing—at school pickup, in a boardroom, or in a Costco aisle.
Pull Quotes:
“When I don’t know what to do, I return to me.”
“Outside eyes look for rules. Inside eyes look for truth.”
“I took my seat—in a Costco aisle.”
“You’ve already won when you don’t abandon yourself.”
“Perfection is a performance. Truth is a frequency.”
Resources Mentioned:
Inner Knowing Immersion — two 90‑minute sessions + custom hypnosis (21‑day anchoring)
NPR = Notice • Pause • Resource (simple nervous-system reset)
Join us:
Craving consistent circles and retreats? Join the newsletter for upcoming circles, retreats, and special offerings: https://www.gervasekolmos.com/subscribe
Work with Gervase:
1:1 coaching - learn more about it here
The Inner Knowing Immersion is now open!
Follow Gervase
Instagram: www.instagram.com/gervasekolmos.com
YouTube: www.youtube.com/@themodernphoenix
When I Don’t Know What to Do, I Return to Me
Episode Full Transcript
Hello friends—welcome back to The Modern Phoenix Podcast. I’m your inner transformation coach, Gervase Kolmos, and today I want to tell you…
I thought it would be helpful to create an episode where I share a couple of real-life examples—as a messy human, woman, mother, entrepreneur—that show how I use my absolute framework (my religion, honestly) of inner knowing. I apply it to micro choices and to macro choices.
Because when I notice myself ruminating, overanalyzing, fixating—“What’s the right thing to do?”—that’s my cue: return to me. Return to my center. Return to my inner knowing.
I say this all the time—on social, here on the show—but I’m realizing how helpful it is to hear practical, real-life examples of what it looks like. Who’s going to do inner work if it doesn’t apply to the outer life we’re creating?
It’s hard to remember that we’re magical, sovereign souls having a human experience when we’re forever looking outward and reacting to life. Something that helps me—and helps my clients—is giving myself (or another person) an inner experience of themselves when life feels like it’s happening to them. When things are moving fast and it’s hard to remember the magic of our existence or the well of inner wisdom inside.
There is a right-for-me path I can find when I return to my center versus trying to follow the supposed “right path” and all the rules. Most of us were conditioned to believe in the rules and be afraid of breaking them. That conditioning is confusing—we might not even know when we’re stuck in our heads or spiraling.
If you’re in a real-life situation and obsessing—“What’s the right thing? How should I respond? What do I do?”—I hope this lands right there. I hope you hear: Oh, wait—that’s my sign. I’m looking outward with my outside eyes. It’s time to use my inside eyes. Time to get quiet and connect to my inner knowing to find the next right-for-me step in this modern, messy scenario.
Because as much as I’d love to live my whole life staring at a Peruvian mountain landscape on retreat, it could not be further from that over here. I’ve been transparent: I’m recording from one corner of my house while renovations and constant disruptions happen. I often wake up feeling the onslaught of life. That’s my default overwhelm.
And still—there’s a solution. I connect to my soul. I connect to my inner knowing and ask her: Where do we go from here, today? Please center me in my life so this day feels like a living prayer—like a beautiful expression of me. When it feels like that, the circumstances matter less. You’re connected to an inner experience that feels solid and safe and has you knowing your next right move.
Before my examples—one parenting, one legal—I want you to know about something new: The Inner Knowing Immersion. If you’re thinking, This is the return to myself I’ve been looking for, this might be for you. It’s an immersion with me: two 90‑minute sessions + a custom hypnosis track. More than that, it’s a short, dedicated portal of time and attention for your thing—a circumstance, a trigger, a recurring pattern you’re ready to meet from your center.
In our space, I’m trained to work mind, body, and soul. I open a protected energetic portal; I see images, hear words, and intuit what’s needed. After session one, I block off my calendar for focused time to script and record your custom hypnosis—a tool you can listen to for 21 days (or longer) to anchor a new pattern: from outside eyes to inside eyes.
This is for the woman who wants high-touch, customized support but isn’t ready for a full package—or for the woman returning to the work after a pause. If that’s you (or someone you love), details are in the show notes.
Alright—into the meat of the episode. Example one.
Example 1: Costco, Kids… and a Master Lawyer on Zoom
I’ve been in a long lawsuit with a big company about a food poisoning incident. It’s meant years of emails, lawyers, interviews, forms… Recently we requested a special meeting with a lead attorney to make our case for compensation. They assigned me a time: 4:15 p.m. on a Tuesday—if you’re a working mom with three kids, you know… rough.
I asked to move it; they couldn’t. I accepted, put it in my Google Calendar, and moved on. Fast-forward a month: that day turned into pediatrician visits for two kids, an orthodontist run for another, multiple pickups, all the things. I grabbed two kids early, crossed town, and—because I was in mom‑brain—bundled in a dreaded Costco run.
At 4:20 p.m. I saw a missed call and a text: “Hey, Gervase, we’re waiting for you on the Zoom call.” Cue that adrenaline spike. My brain offered: Shut down. Bail. It’s too much. But I know that feeling—sometimes our body says too much when we’re simply stretching. This is the zone of tolerance I teach: the space to engage discomfort without shutting down or blowing out.
I texted back, “On my way.” I pulled the cart under a display umbrella, looked at my kids and said, “I have an important meeting I’m late for. Please don’t interrupt me.” They felt the shift and honored it. Headphones on. I entered the Zoom. Warehouse behind me. I said, “Hi, I’m so sorry I’m late—I’m here now.”
Then I did my NPR move: Notice, Pause, Resource.
Notice: racing heart, urge to over‑explain, to apologize profusely.
Pause: breathe, hand on heart, let my vision narrow to the screen.
Resource: headphones dampening noise, feet on floor, inner anchor.
The attorney asked an open-ended question: how did the incident affect you, and why do you feel compensation is warranted? I felt my brain spin, so I asked, “Give me a minute?” I closed my eyes—yes, in Costco—and asked my inner knowing: What is the truest thing I can say right now?
A word flashed: gaslighting. I opened my eyes and took my seat—no longer performing, just telling the truth. I shared how, like many women, I had an urge to gaslight myself: “It wasn’t that bad. Only one night in the hospital. I pushed through my calls. I’m fine.” And how that wasn’t true. I told the full story—the pain, the fear, the biopsy, the hospital trauma, and the cost to my body and family.
You could feel the room get quiet—even from a Costco Zoom square. When I finished, the lawyer thanked me and said my story really helped him. The call was seven minutes. I could have cried with relief. This is what we train for. Not polished or performative—just true. Whether the outcome changes or not, I’d already won because I didn’t abandon myself.
Example 2: The Bully, the Email, and the Mother I Am
The school-year transition has been bumpy for one of my kids. She came home devastated about a bully—this time about something she can’t control, connected to her health. That hits different. At dinner we supported her, asked if she was open to ideas, and helped her imagine words that would make her feel more empowered. We widened the web—calling in family energy, ancestors, the “take no sh*t” aunties—so she felt held even if she’s alone in the classroom moment.
Meanwhile, I watched my stuff surface: old stories, my identity as a “cool mom,” a strong fawn response around school systems. The next day I called a trusted friend who mirrored who I am as a mother—she didn’t tell me what to do. That reflection dropped me out of people‑pleasing straight into my gut. I knew exactly what to do.
I wrote the teacher. Fifteen minutes. Clean. Direct. No pretzels to be palatable, no over‑apologizing, no over‑explaining. Not aggressive. Not small. Just true. She replied immediately, apologized, and outlined next steps. The energy was clean because mine was clean. Again: I’d already won. I did not outsource my knowing to approval. I took my seat.
The through-line: When I don’t know what to do, I return to me. I use my inside eyes. I ask, What is the truest thing I can say or do from my seat? And then I let the resonance do its job.
Practice prompts:
Notice your tells: overthinking, ruminating, people‑pleasing.
NPR: Notice → Pause → Resource.
Ask one inner question: What is the truest thing here?
Trust the first word, image, or sensation that arrives.
Speak or act from there. Let the ripples work.
If this resonates and you want a guided portal to strengthen that muscle, the Inner Knowing Immersion details are below.
I love you. We’re doing it. This is what we train for. See you in two weeks.
—Gervase
The Mountain Is Me: What Peru Burned Away (and What It Gave Back)
What if “retreat” isn’t a luxury—but spiritual hygiene? In this raw solo, Gervase shares what happened on her Peru retreat in the Sacred Valley: the fire ceremony that helped her release an undercurrent of fear (10% at a time), how she anchored the steadiness of her inner mountain in her body, and why healing in circle, not solo, changes everything. Expect real talk on motherhood, anxious attachment, resourcing from nature (instead of numbing), and remembering the joyful, dancing essence beneath all your roles.
What if “retreat” isn’t a luxury—but spiritual hygiene? In this raw solo, Gervase shares what happened on her Peru retreat in the Sacred Valley: the fire ceremony that helped her release an undercurrent of fear (10% at a time), how she anchored the steadiness of her inner mountain in her body, and why healing in circle, not solo, changes everything. Expect real talk on motherhood, anxious attachment, resourcing from nature (instead of numbing), and remembering the joyful, dancing essence beneath all your roles.
Listen now and then DM RISE on Instagram for the episode link + retreat details. If this landed, share it with a woman who’s ready to meet her inner mountain.
Listen to this episode to discover:
🔥 The grief/fire ceremony that helped Gervase let go of fear and anxious attachment (in doable 10% increments)
🏔️ “The mountain is me”: how to anchor steadiness from land and nature into your nervous system
🤝 Why we need relational healing and community containers (and how to stop DIY-ing your deepest work)
💃🏽 Remembering your essence beneath the roles: ancient and joyful can both be true
🧭 Retreat as sacred time: signaling to your body and calendar that “this matters”
🧰 Discernment in healing (including Human Design intuition + choosing the right intensity for your system)
This episode is for you if:
You feel like a woman with her hair on fire and want grounded steadiness instead
You’re carrying fear or “buildup” from hard seasons and don’t know how to move it
You keep trying to heal alone and crave circle, ceremony, and nervous-system-safe support
You want to feel more alive, on-purpose, and resourced in everyday life (not just on vacation)
Pull Quotes:
“I sat at the fire and gave it 10% of my fear. I ugly-cried—and it was holy.”
“Stop DIY-ing your healing. We’re wired for circle, not solo.”
“Under the roles lives my essence: ancient—and a joyful, dancing puppy dog.”
“Retreats aren’t indulgent. They’re spiritual hygiene.”
Resources Mentioned:
Medicine for the Modern Soul (retreat host: Tracy Rulaine Roberts)
Gervase’s Human Design note: Splenic Projector (using intuition as a green-light threshold)
Join us:
The Phoenix Retreat — Charleston, Nov 6–9 (oceanfront house, ceremony + circle). Two bunks left—Gervase is in the bunk room too: https://www.gervasekolmos.com/chs-retreat
Planning an international retreat in spring and another in fall 2026. Tell us where you want to go and what you’re craving!
Work with Gervase:
Book a Soul Shift Intensive: gervasekolmos.com/the-soul-shift-intensive
Free gift: Trust Yo’self hypnosis track
Follow Gervase
📲 Let’s hang out on IG: http://www.instagram.com/gervasekolmos
✨ Want to go deeper (and get juicy discounts)? Sign up to Gervase’s newsletter: https://www.gervasekolmos.com
The Mountain Is Me: What Peru Burned Away (and What It Gave Back)
Episode Full Transcript
Hi friends, Gervase here, Inner Transformation Coach and host of The Modern Phoenix Podcast. I’m coming to you from one of my many satellite studios this season. There’s someone upstairs cutting tile for the bathroom, and I just can’t seem to find a quiet place to record. So there might be noise, we might get interrupted, and I’m not exactly tech savvy, but I’m here because I have so much to tell you.
This is going to be one of my more unhinged episodes—which, I think, we like those, right? We want to sprinkle in all the different dimensions of a woman into this space. Today I want to come to you off the cuff to tell you about the experience I just had in Peru. As many of you know, I just returned from attending a retreat in the Sacred Valley of Peru. I got home Friday at 2 a.m., and by Saturday at 2 p.m. I was at my cousin’s wedding, which went until 2:30 a.m., then another wedding party Sunday, and by Monday I crash-landed back into real life—work, the podcast, clients. We had our first Mother’s Circle call on Wednesday, and I’ve just been like, whoa.
I really want to share while this is still fresh what I just experienced in Peru, or at least the parts that will be relevant. I’ve been sharing more of the intimate details with my one-on-one coaching clients and my alumni containers, because they’ve been asking specific questions. Even last night, my husband said, “So you haven’t told me about Peru. How was it?” I just stared at him like, “You’re going to have to ask a more specific question.” I was gone for eight days, and I feel absolutely transformed—and I say that lightly because I’m still the same old G—but I really did get what I went for and more.
When Kevin asked me to “sum it up,” I told him I couldn’t, but here I am summing it up for my community on the podcast, so that’s what we’re doing. Let’s start with why a retreat, why Peru, and why now.
After my brother died about seventeen years ago, I knew I needed a soul quest. I’d already been feeling before he got sick that I wanted to shake things up. I felt disconnected from myself, a little depressed, like, is this it? I was a sophomore in college, and I’d been looking into traveling abroad. I didn’t want to go somewhere typical—I wanted a real experience, a cultural immersion, to integrate with a totally different culture. That’s why I was drawn to South America, and since my father is Colombian, I wanted to connect with my roots. Speaking Spanish makes me feel so alive. It’s such a big part of who I am. I love hearing it. It makes me so happy. So, again and again, I’ve been drawn to South America and Mexico and Spain—it feels ancestral to me.
After my brother died, I went on my first spiritual quest to Peru. I volunteered in a low-income daycare called a Wawa Wasi and had a truly life-changing experience—contributing, being part of that culture, and feeling so alive. I think this is important because there’s a fine line between escapism and being plugged into your full vitality, your aliveness. I’m not anti-escapism—sometimes I love just binging The Summer I Turned Pretty—but there’s something about traveling, especially retreats, that taps me back into that soul-level vitality. It feels like a spiritual journey.
So I went to Peru a long time ago, and life happened—I got married, had three kids, started a business, bought a house, all the things. A year ago, I had this realization: how have I not been to South America in sixteen years? It’s such a huge part of who I am and what lights me up, and I hadn’t been in so long. That felt like a wake-up call. I knew I had to go back. That opened the portal: I’m going back to South America.
One of my really good friends from a mastermind, Tracy Relain, runs a business called Medicine for the Modern Soul and hosts retreats. She’s an amazing facilitator. I’d been watching her retreats for years. People often say to me, “You’re a coach, spiritual, curious about Peru, so of course you’ll go do ayahuasca.” But I’ve always been intentional about my relationship with plant medicine. It’s very trendy right now, and when something’s trendy, a red flag goes up for me. I thought, sure, I could do ayahuasca, but I didn’t feel called to. My life already feels like a sweat lodge or ayahuasca ceremony sometimes—I don’t need that kind of intensity for my nervous system. What I did need was a space to drop in deeply with myself.
When Tracy announced a retreat in Peru, I knew instantly: right place, right time, green light. It felt like the perfect type of retreat to give me what I was craving—connection to myself, the culture, the land, and the language—with just the right amount of intensity. That discernment is so important. People think there’s one template for healing or going on retreat, but there isn’t. You know yourself. You know your limits and what your nervous system needs. Trust that.
I’m so glad I trusted myself and said yes to Peru. We stayed in the Sacred Valley. I’ve been to Peru before but not this exact area. It felt brand new. Tracy’s work is all about “making life a wild and sacred adventure,” and that resonated deeply with me. That’s why I went.
There were also two other things happening in my life that made this retreat feel perfectly timed. First, I think of retreats as an opportunity to immerse myself in the work, to carve out sacred time and space. Like, I go to Pilates a few times a week because I know I need a dedicated time and place to do it. Sure, I could do Pilates at home—I even have the app—but I don’t. We all know that carving out sacred time and space signals to our bodies, minds, families, and calendars: this is important. So this retreat was that for me. It was sacred space to focus inward, to have guidance and community, and to ask myself what was dying, what was being born, what needed attention.
That’s the Phoenix path: endings and beginnings, shedding and blooming. Focalizing has taught me to live with intention, to know my intention in every space I enter. Going on retreat with intention makes it powerful and potent.
Also, this was emotional and spiritual hygiene for me. I facilitate retreats myself—I have one coming up in November—so it would feel inauthentic to tell other women to invest in that work if I didn’t do it myself. I walk the walk.
The other thing happening at the same time was my daughter’s health journey. I’ve been open about her PANDAS diagnosis. It started in second grade; she’s now in fourth. That experience changed me. Watching my child be that sick created an imprint of fear and trauma in my body that I’ve been working through ever since. I knew there was an undercurrent of fear that wasn’t truly me. I didn’t come into this world afraid. That fear had to be tended to and released, but I couldn’t do it alone. I knew I needed the right container—Tracy, the land, the group.
So that was my intention: to let go of the fear, the anxious attachment to my child, and to reconnect to what was blooming inside me. And I invite you to consider what’s going on in your life. What season are you in—grief, endings, beginnings? What’s calling for space and support? Healing happens in community. It’s not natural to do it alone. Relational healing is part of it. When you’re supported by a circle of women and facilitators, something alchemical happens. You don’t have to do it all yourself. Even letting go ten percent is enough.
There was a lot of resistance getting to Peru—schedules, packing, life logistics—but I knew that resistance didn’t mean “wrong way.” It meant I was stretching into something overdue and important. I’m a Splenic Projector in Human Design, so I know my intuition hits immediately: know and go. That intuitive hit got me over the threshold. Going to Peru felt like a threshold moment—a before and after.
So, what happened there? It was the combination of everything—the land, the ceremonies, the community, the safety—that created transformation. I texted my husband before coming home: “I will never be the same.”
There were several ceremonies where we reflected on what we were there to release. For me, it was fear—the fear I’d carried as the mother of a sick child. During the fire ceremony, I sat in front of the fire and felt everything my body had been holding. It wasn’t bad or wrong; it was just old. It was slowing me down, clogging my system. I committed to letting it go, even ten percent. I ugly-cried into that fire. It was visceral, intense, and deeply cathartic.
How often do we have space to notice what our body is holding, to release what has accumulated? Everyone carries pain, stress, and buildup. We need ways to move that energy so our true essence can lead—so we can live our purpose. That’s what the retreat gave me.
There’s something about being in-person with women that makes you drop out of small talk immediately. We did an exercise where we looked into each other’s eyes and asked, “Who am I?” My first answer was surface-level, but the second one just dropped in: “Ancient.” I felt it in my body like a mountain. Later, looking at the mountains outside, I realized: the mountain is me. I wasn’t on drugs, I swear—but the interconnectedness of life and nature was so clear. I anchored that sensation in my body.
I’m an ocean girl—I live by the beach, I’m a Pisces—but the mountains showed me something different. I learned to resource from the land instead of numbing out with Netflix, sugar, or wine. When you let nature, community, and ancient wisdom fill you, it connects you to a sense of aliveness nothing else can touch. That’s what happened to me in Peru.
Another thing that struck me was how freeing it was to just be as I am, without performing. We wear so many masks every day—roles, expectations, personas—that disconnect us from who we truly are. In that space, I remembered my true medicine in the world. Yes, I’m skilled at what I do. I’ve spent a decade mastering the craft of holding space. But underneath all that is who I’ve always been—the playful, joyful, dancing puppy-dog Gervase. That part of me came through. Feeling both the deep mountain energy and the light, playful energy inside me gave me such a sense of wholeness.
That’s what I brought home: a burning away of fear, of anxious patterns, of performance. A remembering that I’m both ancient and playful. That wholeness stays with me, even as life gets loud and chaotic. It’s spiritual hygiene—cleaning out what accumulates. And it’s ongoing. Next year there will be new things to release, and that’s normal.
Taking this time has made me more authentic, vibrant, and grounded—in my mothering, my coaching, and my daily life. I want the people in my communities to feel that. We don’t need more women running around with their hair on fire. We need women who know their inner mountain, who can access that steadiness and joy inside.
When I first opened my window at the retreat and saw that stunning mountain view, my first thought was, “Oh my God, I don’t deserve this.” And immediately I knew that was an old voice. The truth was: “Of course I deserve this.” We all do. The more we say yes to this kind of work, the more our bodies learn: we deserve it. This is what being alive is for.
That’s why I’m so fired up to bring more retreats and in-person connection to our community. Our Charleston retreat is November 6–9. We’ll have fire ceremony, community work, release, intention-setting, and joy. Two bunk beds left—I’ll be in that room too. It’s going to be like a luxurious, soulful sleepover. We’re also planning an international retreat in the spring, and another in the fall of 2026. Now that my kids are all in school, I feel ready to do more of this work. The medicine that happens in person is unmatched.
So tell me—what do you want? Where do you want to retreat? What times work for you for circles? What experiences are you craving? Message me on Instagram at @gervasekolmos or email hi@gervasekolmos.com. I’m staring right now at my future she-shed in the backyard—it looks abandoned but it’s going to be so cute soon—and I’m dreaming of all the magic I’ll create there for us.
Thank you for being here, for sharing your stories with me, and for being a safe space where I can share my own process. I’m with you on the Phoenix Path—always evolving, learning, allowing endings and beginnings to swirl together. I want it to feel safe, normal, and even fun for all of us to do this work together—dance parties and ugly cries in front of fires included.
I love you so much. Thank you for being here. Check out the show notes for all the upcoming programs, and don’t be a stranger. Love you, and I’ll see you in two weeks.