Your Body Tells the Truth of Your Trauma

What if the real story of your trauma isn’t the one you keep telling yourself in your head — but the one your body has been holding all along?

In this solo episode, G shares how trauma patterns show up in our daily lives (especially as mothers, makers, and women holding it all), and why breaking cycles requires more than mindset work. Drawing on focalizing training and the wisdom of teacher Nick Werber, she will reveal how our most obvious trauma response is often how we treat our own bodies — ignoring signals, pushing past limits, or abandoning ourselves when life feels full.

This conversation weaves together personal stories (including her own rocky “back-to-school transition”), trauma-informed practices, and reminders that your body is not a machine — it’s more like a garden that needs tending. 🌱

When we stop abandoning ourselves and start listening to the body’s wisdom, we begin to re-pattern, restore, and rise.

Listen to this episode to discover:

• Why the most obvious trauma response is how you treat your body

• The difference between the story in your head and the story your body is telling

• How generational cycles and trauma show up in motherhood

• What I learned from crashing hard during my “back-to-school” transition (and how I found rhythm again)

• The ballerina-on-pointe metaphor: why balance is hundreds of tiny adjustments, not one rigid plan

• Why your nervous system needs seasons of rest, rhythm, and renewal — just like nature

• Practical ways to “resource as you go” so you don’t abandon yourself

Join us:

• Join G in Charleston to tune into your womanly wisdom, inner knowing, and soulful sisterhood: https://www.gervasekolmos.com/chs-retreat 

• Mamas- it’s time to reset, resource and rise together: Mothers Rising 6 week circle begins October 15th: https://www.gervasekolmos.com/mothers-rising

Mentioned in this episode:

• Connect with Nick Werber - nicknwerber.com
  Nick Werber | Integrative Coach | Instagram: @nickwerber_

• Previous episode with Nick Werber (here)

Work with Gervase:

• Book a Soul Shift Intensive: gervasekolmos.com/the-soul-shift-intensive

• Join Mothers Rising: a circle for women reclaiming their wholeness

• Free gift: Trust Yo’self hypnosis track

Quotes to Share:

• “The most obvious trauma response is how we treat our bodies.” – Nick Werber

• “Your body is not a machine. It’s more like a tree that needs seasons of rest, rhythm, and renewal.” – Gervase

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Follow Gervase

• 📲 Let’s hang out on IG: http://www.instagram.com/gervasekolmos

• ✨ Want to go deeper (and get juicy discounts)? Sign up to Gervase’s newsletter: https://www.gervasekolmos.com

Your Body Tells the Truth of Your Trauma

Episode Full Transcript

Hello my loves. Welcome back to another solo episode of the Modern Phoenix podcast. We're going to talk about trauma. The body holding trauma, the story beneath the story that we tell ourselves, I was so inspired recently.

I saw an Instagram post by my teacher, my focalizing teacher, Nick Werber, and I'm going to read it to you. And I'm going to relate it to my own life and I want to give this to you as food for thought. As something I'm going to think about, I know a lot of the women in my world we care about and are intentional about breaking cycles. Breaking, generational cycles, generational trauma, and yet a lot of the time I know for myself this started as a head-y idea.

I was trying to do with my thinking and not resolve through my body. And if you're new here, surprise, I'm here to tell you that my work is influenced and informed and I have been trained by a modality called focalizing, which it lands itself to somatic experiencing, it was created by Dr. Picucci, and along with the work of like Peter Levine and these pioneers in the field of trauma in the body, it taught me that the body truly does have its own story to tell. There is the story that we tell ourselves, the story that we attach to an activation response in our bodies, but then there's the body story.

There's just the trauma itself that lives in the body and I'm so infinitely curious about this. I'm so infinitely curious about how to break cycles and patterns of massive dysregulation or freeze or fight or overdoing or putting pressure on myself in a way that is sustainable trauma informed and Makes sense to me and so I'm just kind of guessing I'm just going on on a limb here and thinking maybe you're kind of into that maybe you’re into that too And I think especially in the mother space. There's so much in mother culture that tells us like you know We're gonna break generational trauma. We're gonna change the cycles passed down from our mothers. But what I notice is that there's a lot of pressure to just do things differently.

There's a lot of judgment against the women who came before us and whenever there is that pressure and that pushing that strong reaction that our body has to the way that we were raised or the way that another mother is doing things or the way that we treat ourselves in motherhood. That means that there's actually a lot of trauma that the body is holding usually right it means that you can mindset your way through you can know all the things but until we are working bottom up through the body we can actually do the things we set out to do and that's just putting ourselves setting ourselves up to fail and I don't think we're here for that. I want to share a post from my teacher, Nick Werber (linked in the show notes). It says remember the most obvious trauma response is how we treat our bodies.

Here’s part of the caption: If you're feeling tired of your story, tired of sorting through it looking for answers, tired of the rumination while not making any progress, I want to recommend focusing on something that gets right to the impact of what happened to you. How do you relate to your body? If your body was a person, how would you treat it? How do you feed it?

Do you connect with its emotions? Does it trust you? Do you have a relationship at all? I know for me that when I'm activated there's such a pull to barely eat enough.

Barely listen to it. Leave it behind. Guilty. In these moments my body is abandoned without someone to care for it.

It survives with very little and deals with the stress of that. And that pain. And that pattern, that thing I just wrote says more about my story than anything I could tell you. It is the pattern.

It is the impact. It's the story beneath the story. And so when I show up to my body and myself in a different way a cycle is broken. A pattern is undone.

Mic drop. We've had Nick Werber on the podcast. You’ll find his episode linked in the show notes. He taught me who's one of my focalizing teachers.

And I just think he has such a beautiful of articulating these big ideas and concepts that are really hard to grasp. So I just want to take this and make it tactical for a minute. I'm recording this on August 21st. So my kids went back to school last week, but it'll probably air, you know, several weeks passed August 21st.

But stay with me for a minute now. I transitioned from summer Gervase in the past few weeks. I'm going to be a little bit more active in the future. I'm going to be a little bit more active in the future.

I'm going to be a little bit more active in the to school-year, working-from-home Gervase. And the switch, the transition from, you know, leaned back, relaxed, go with the flow has no schedule to Gervase. In to has so much responsibility has a schedule has five schedules has, you know, financial responsibilities, client responsibilities, mom responsibilities, house responsibilities, Gervase, that version of me. The transition can be a little bit rocky for me. because this is always like this is my work, right?

Like the blending of these two parts of me. And I don't want to make either one of them better wrong, because I think both play a part. And I'm not here to be like, oh, Flowy leaned back to Gervase, is who I need when it's back to school season. Because the truth is it's not that she's not going to help me sign up for 52 new apps and get 26 new passwords in my super secure app that I keep them in. and respond to 5x the number of emails and get everything on the calendar for the extra curriculars.

Like I need a different part of me to show up for that. And what I notice is when I have added responsibility. I put a lot of extra pressure on myself. And the way that I do this is I just begin this process of pushing and grinning my teeth and not stopping for air, not slowing down for a drink of water. not taking care of myself, not resourcing no matter what until I crash out.

And this pattern is something that I have been sustainably and mindfully untangling for years now, especially since my focalizing training. And it has changed dramatically. And still I notice like there's still the bodies inclination to. . . hmm. They're still my inclination to tense up and put pressure on myself and control when I have added responsibilities and ignore my body.

A band in my body. Not eat well, not go for walks, not take care of myself, to not even really give a shit and to feel justified in that and to feel like, it's almost like I'm under estimating. I'm constantly under estimating how I'm under estimating. much value or how much I could get from pouring into myself. I'm constantly underestimating the value of what I fucking teach, and re-sourcing as I go.

And the switch from Summer to Vaze to Back to School of Gervase is one of my rockiest ones consistently every year of my life where I have the biggest like rubber band effect where I have like a slap in the face where I need to really catch myself and find the rhythm. Because I'm not here for like this moment of where I'm perfectly balanced all of my responsibilities and obligation and organized them on my calendar because I know that doesn't fucking work because guess what? The kids are still gonna put their shit everywhere. The backpacks are everywhere.

The kitchen is a mess. The deadlines pile up. There's always stuff I'm creating. So I'm not here to find that perfect organization or balance.

I'm here to relax into the new rhythm and to do that in a way that is sustainable. I know that I'm not here to find that perfect organization or need to notice how I am treating my body. And it is a while to me the crash that I felt several days ago I had just like a big crash like a nervous system control ultimately like force first quit a first quit it my body my nervous system because my body was like what in the actual fuck like hello. We need some water.

We need some space. We need some care. We need like a good cry. We need to release the energy.

And we need to be able to get the energy to be able to get the energy to be able to get the energy to a pressure valve which I talked about in the last episode, right? And then as soon as I noticed, oh, I'm in that pattern. And I'm a massage it a little bit. I work with it a little bit.

I'm like, okay, okay, give myself full permission and forgiveness for whatever just happened because I'm just a human alongside you, Phoenix and spiraling and learning and growing and evolving and I am not the same as three years ago. Not even close. And also, I'm a little bit more than a little bit more than a little bit more than a little bit more than a little I know what to do next. I know how to resource in a way that's not like, how do I now put self care on the calendar?

I know how to check in with not just my inner world, but my body's signals and messages and go like, I'm here. What do you need? Oh, you need like a full day of space and rest and your mind is going to come in. You're going to show mine and tell you all the reasons why that's impractical and unrealistic and you don't get to have that.

That's your trauma story. That's your. We are very familiar with that story. We know where it comes from.

It doesn't matter. It just matters that when it's running the show, I am abandoning myself. I am ignoring my cues. I am denying myself the basic things I need.

Whether it's get up and go pee or give yourself space in a break. Because I feel like I can't trust the space. I feel like I can't trust myself to like resource just a little right because if I do that, then I'll it'll be a runaway train and I won't be able to get into this new world. them that I need for back to school to Gervase. And of course this is just a story.

This is not true. This is the trauma story. And anyway, the last few days I've really just been committed to working in the way that I know works best. One plus one equals three results.

I'm working on the potency of everything that I do. So if I'm going to move my body, I'm going to really move my body with a friend. I'm going to feel good about it. I'm not going to be in my own way.

I'm going to be in my own way. I had, I'm not gonna second guess myself. I'm not gonna doubt myself. I know that every intentional choice, I make, whether it's just sick here and record this podcast to you, or it's to lay on the couch and just Netflix, for like two hours is an intentional response to tell my body, "Hey, I hear you.

" Yeah, I notice what's going on for you. And I'm not afraid that I can't handle it. I'm not gonna clench and control and resist what I know that I need, which is consistent, sustainable pockets of space and care. And nourishment for me.

And I know that those will look different every day. And I know that I'd be a little bit clunky at the beginning as I'm finding my rhythm and that's normal. This isn't my first time around the spiral. The Phoenix spiral.

I have experience and practice, and I'm getting better and better and better. And so what used to take me three months is now taking me three days and then I'm finding the rhythm and I'm aligning with the rhythm and I'm allowing it to be a rhythm and not a strict regimented discipline and plan because I know that doesn't work for me. It doesn't work for my human design. It doesn't work for my personality and it doesn't work for my trauma history and it doesn't help me break cycles.

It doesn't help me rise out of those generational trauma patterns. And when I do this, I think that's what I do. I think that's what I do. I think that's when I resource and when I acknowledge the body and when I kind of massage it and work with both flow like summer flowy gervases, rhythm and new back to school entrepreneur working from home gervases responsibilities when I blend those together in a really fluid flexible way where I'm like honoring my nervous system as I go without you know being authoritarian yeah.

Not being super strict or rigid about it, but also not totally letting myself off the hook because I trust myself to hold the middle. Even though it's always changing. I give this example a lot. I don't know if I've said it before to you guys.

But a ballerina who is on pointe. This is an example from the book, the one thing I'm always quoting that book. He gives the example of a ballerina on pointe who's doing flex, which is like spinning on pointe on one foot is making hundreds of tiny micro adjustments on the foot that is balancing. to keep balance. It's not like to spin around in a circle.

You just pick a spot on your toe and hold it because that's not what it requires tiny micro adjustments. And my trauma pattern and my trauma story is that like no no one rigid pattern go go control control pressure pressure. Don't stop until you actually totally collapse burnout on the floor because of course it doesn't work of course it's not sustainable and of course it's coming from a really wounded. not regenerative place. It's my childhood drama, like showing itself and me trying to, you know, respond to it in a way that is immature almost.

And I don't say that in a judging way. It's just I have so much more wisdom that I've amassed from age, from experience, from maturity, from worlds around the Phoenix spiral. So now I get to do it differently. Now I get to create that rhythm and that balance, making hundreds of micro pivot as I go day to day.

I've tried to do it. I've tried to do it. I've tried to do it. I had so many things, I've integrated things at work and I know, oh, I'm in my trauma.

Oh, I'm I noticed the way that I'm relating to my body right now is an old pattern. It's a generational pattern and I understand that and I could be justified in saying like I don't have time when am I supposed to make time for myself and I could do what everybody else does and like put myself in this box and follow all these rules and be really hard on myself and. They have a lot of fear and control and Perfectionism around everything that I do, but like that's not here. That's not what I'm here to do.

That's not the life I'm here to build that's not what I am here to embody and role model for you because if I can feel into this Phoenix womaning way this Phoenix way of womaning then so can you and I want you to have it. I want you to feel it. I wanted to feel the transmission from me to you as a you know busy mom of three who just had a clunky back to school star during the home renovation, who has also, I'm like found my rhythm, right? I'm doing my fouettés y'all.

I actually was never really that good at fouettés as a dancer. That wasn't my genre of choice. It was more of hip hop gal than a Fuetai gal, but it doesn't matter. I digress.

It's possible. We have to notice all the conditioning, all the trauma, all the rules that were playing by that society gives us and go. Actually, I know where that gets me. I know that gets me crumpled on the floor.

I know that gets me joyless a shell of a person in a story about how who's got the time and it's not going to make that big of a difference if I go on a walk just to keep using that silly example. It's not going to make that much of a difference and let me tell you it will make all the difference. I heard this thing on Instagram recently like a you know a real about how these researchers did this experiment with. I'm gonna butcher it like I don't remember what kind of tree but it's like a Sequoia tree like a tree that usually grows to be a hundred years old and When it was you know, not a hundred yet like a few years old they injected it with a adrenaline or maybe it was cortisol Both things that you and I have coursing through our veins my friend and the tree died within a year and these are trees that normally last?

They lived to be a hundred years old and the hypothesis is without the season of wintering without that season to slow down and hibernate and shed and regrow the leaves to sustainably keep doing it again and again and again and again. They all died and I I heard that and I was like this is what is happening to all of us. We're just running on adrenaline and cortisol and the doing and the perfectionism and the pressure and the rules and the trauma, ignoring and abandoning the self and the body. And so we crash out.

You know, and so many women are just like me, so many women come to me that are like super successful, super high functioning that are like, I'm just kind of curious about this pattern of like go go and like, I know I'm going to crash or I have just crashed or I feel the crash is coming and like, oh my gosh, I cannot afford to crash. I literally can't afford to crash. And, you know, we can rework all of those patterns. And this is how we break cycles when we, you know, give ourselves permission and grace and space to rework this rhythm so that we have the seasons of hibernation.

So we have the summers of pleasures and the clunky back to schools and the learning and the seeing what works and seeing what doesn't, but knowing that we're here for the woman way regenerative, restorative, re-sourcing, and so on. And we have the same way. And we have the same way. And we have the as we go so we can live to be a hundred.

And also look fabulous while we do it, and feel good, and have juicy, exciting, authentic lives, right? Because we are not abandoning ourselves, or operating from a trauma story, from our eight-year-old selves, we're actually working with that part of ourselves with grace and compassion, and trauma-informed techniques, and facilitation to rise out of this. And this is what it's looked like for me very, very recently. And I just really wanted to share with you, you know, went and out, you know, as you're kind of listening to this podcast, just remember, Nick Werber's message.

The most obvious trauma response is how we treat our bodies. I'm always exploring this in myself like what, you know, am I waiting so long to pee? how long am I waiting before I go for the damn walk or take care of myself or do the things that I know feel good give myself permission and grace and space. Isn't that interesting? I wonder what it would be like if I began to rework that pattern.

In a, you know, in a no shame, no blame way, just with curiosity and excitement that I think it gets to be better than the rules that I've written. I think this matrix that I'm operating in. is actually not, I think we're losing the plot. And I don't want what I see that a lot of women have. I don't want that version of success.

I want the Phoenix way, I want the woman way, I want the way that allows room and space for my winters, and my summers, and my healing, and also for my wounds, for me to be with the wounds that are there, without bypassing or judging or shaving myself. So just a little note on trauma. I hope that that really Like micro end macro. If you ever want to go deeper on this, just reach out to me, hi, at gervasekolmos. com.

That is my email address, yes it is. And make sure if you want to begin to untangle, who you are with who you've been taught to be. Your trauma stir is from your actual authentic self. Come join a circle.

We've got mothers rising coming up here. Really, really soon. There's all these different ways to work with me this year. I'm like so lit up and excited about the year ahead and all the different ways that women can come into my world and reclaim their wholeness, their feminine, their aliveness and work through the things that have maybe been holding them back or actually pushing them forward past their comfort levels past their bodies, begging signals for rest and restoration.

So, reach out. I love you so much. I hope this resonated. Always DM me on Instagram with any questions @gervasekolmos.

Comments and please share this with another woman who needs to remember she is more than a machine. Her body is like a garden that needs tending. I know that sounds fucking cheesy, but I'm serious. You guys.

You are more in line with the tree in the forest than you are with the machine. Who's patterns you're holding yourself to. And I hope that you remember that as you go through your busy week. Do it all the things. running tiny universes and doing fouettés, on pointe.

All right, see you in two weeks. Bye.

Renovations, Motherhood & Meeting My Upper Limits on The Phoenix Spiral

What if the chaos in your life wasn’t the problem—but the pressure you pile on top of it?

In this raw and personal episode, Gervase shares the story of her unexpected home renovation, how it pushed her to the edge of her money stories and nervous system’s capacity, and the surprising lessons it taught her about money, motherhood, and meeting upper limits.

Instead of grinding harder, she discovered the power of release, metaphor, and permission—the feminine way of moving through life. Drawing from her own experiences and her work with clients, Gervase reveals how embracing the Phoenix spiral of death and rebirth can turn breakdowns into breakthroughs.

If you’ve ever felt stretched too thin, guilty for dropping the ball, or at your breaking point, this episode is your reminder that you don’t have to force your way through. There’s another way—and it begins with letting go.

Listen now to discover:

• Why chaos isn’t the problem—it’s the pressure we attach to it

• How nervous system capacity sets the ceiling for love, money, and abundance

• The Instant Pot “pressure valve” metaphor to release tension and reclaim peace

• Why dropping some of the balls you juggle is not only safe but necessary

• The Phoenix spiral: why life is death & rebirth, not a straight line

• How to reconnect to metaphor, archetype, and your inner world when life feels overwhelming

• Permission to embrace all of you—Netflix binges, divine downloads, and everything in between

This episode is for you if:

• You’re navigating a season of overwhelm and want a fresh perspective

• You find yourself self-sabotaging when life or money expands

• You feel like you’re always at your limit and need practical ways to soften

• You crave a reminder that being human—messy, chaotic, and cyclical—is not a failure but part of the path

Work with Gervase:

•  Book a 90-min Soul Shift Intensive for clarity and transformation

• Join Mothers Rising—a sacred circle for mothers to reset, resource and rise together

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Follow Gervase

• 📲 Let’s hang out on IG: http://www.instagram.com/gervasekolmos

• ✨ Want to go deeper (and get juicy discounts)? Sign up to Gervase’s newsletter: https://www.gervasekolmos.com

Renovations, Motherhood & Meeting My Upper Limits on The Phoenix Spiral

Episode Full Transcript

Hello, my fellow Phoenixes. I am coming to you post-client session, where the word that was used at the end was this feeling of weightlessness. And something you may not know—well, obviously, if you've never had a session with me—is that I kind of tune into a client's field when I'm doing this work. And so I feel like I just left the spa because I was just in the vortex with this woman, feeling so deeply grounded and weightless at the same time. And it feels so good.

And it's also really interesting because I knew I wanted to record something for this episode you're about to listen to for a couple of reasons. One is to make sure that you know that a new program has launched today, the day that you are listening to this, which is Monday, September 8th. And I wanted to also, though, speak to—before I talk about this new program for mothers called Mothers Rising—I want to talk about how wild it is having a podcast, because this podcast episode was recorded in a very different energy than the energy I have right now. And I think that's what's so cool about podcasting. It's something I want to keep in my podcast as much as possible. Like, not always this “here's the template and here's the professional version with the rules of podcasting.” I really do want it to feel like me so that we just feel like we're together.

So I'm just naming that because the podcast that you're about to listen to today is fiery and fun and really powerful. And my podcast producer—hi, Laura—she actually reached out to me to be like, “Hey, I just want you to know that episode, this episode, is like super fire. I love the energy you created it with.” And I'm always like, are you sure? Like, I will record something in a different energy than this grounded, weightless energy and be like, I don't know, maybe that was too much. Maybe I should delete it. You know, it's like when people do a post on Instagram and it's like “felt cute, might delete.” And it's just wild.

So anyway, I'm coming to you now to record this to make sure you know about Mothers Rising. And the energy that you're about to, you know, dive into the vortex with me on this podcast was like: you're sitting with me, we're having a cup of coffee—probably more like a glass of wine—and we're talking about real life. We're talking about the mess. We're talking about the way through. We're talking about archetypes and metaphors. I'm bringing all the different ways that I relate to inner work in the real world into this podcast episode. I recorded it a couple of weeks ago when I was deep in the transition of back to school and starting home renovations. And so you're going to kind of get a peek into my real life in that energy.

And I think that's important, right? Because if I would just record podcasts all the time where I was like, “I am this enlightened Buddha coach on the hill”—first of all, that's not helpful. We don't need more people aspiring to that. We need people that can hold the complexity and the multidimensionality of being human, which is sometimes spicy and chaotic and real and, you know, that fire energy. And sometimes it's like this deep grounded, weightless, wise energy. And we get to have it all. We get to have both. And isn't that so fun? Isn't that the point? I want you to feel that here on the podcast.

So I guess that's as good a segue as any to make sure that you check out the Mothers Rising program. Because this is actually—as I'm thinking about it—part of the Mothers Rising program, because it is about bringing all of us to our lives and our motherhood and our womanhood. And I mean, if you just go to the show notes and just check out the details page for this program, I just feel like I wrote it from this place, just so tapped in and connected to why it matters and what is the point and why I am the woman to walk alongside you on the endless spirals of initiations and evolutions.

So go read the sales page. But in a nutshell, Mothers Rising is a six-week—what I call—a mother circle. I actually got that specific phrasing from Kimberly Johnson, who is one of my teachers, and I really love her work. She does a lot of circle work too. And as some of you know, I started coaching mothers like 10, 11 years ago, when I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I set up shop as a coach. I was a mom coach. Everything was about the journey and the transition and the initiation and the becoming a mother. And then my work expanded and evolved. Now I work with people who have not had children as well—can you even believe it?

But I was really feeling right before the summer like, I really want to run something for mothers. I want to gather the mothers because a lot of the women that I work with are mothers. What I find on some of my group coaching calls—or my Phoenix Revolution, my circle, my group coaching call for alumni—is that a lot of the mother stuff will come up, and we get into it there. But I also think there's something really nice about going to the same place every week for six weeks where there's both a circle of mothers who are going to talk about what it's like to be them—the real, honest range of their experience—whether it's hot, spicy chaos, or it's “oh my God, I feel so grounded and at home in myself and my mothering,” because that is medicine. To me, that’s the medicine that's actually missing a lot in this world—that ancient technology of women's circles that is not about fixing, not about being the smartest person in the room with the most information or the wisest things to say. It's about being you. It's about saying what is true, not what is “wise.” The alchemy and transformation that happens, the medicine that infuses a group of women when what is true is shared, is so much more powerful than “let me get my toolkit out and fix this thing about me, let me fix my experience, let me make myself some other way so that I can fit the group.” No—we have so much of that in our culture; some of it is unavoidable. And so that is why I created Mothers Rising.

You may remember that I initially thought this program was going to be something totally different. It was supposed to be called Whole Mother Rising. And for a lot of reasons, I postponed it because it was right after my Dallas crash. I was like, I cannot hold this space right now. This summer, I just was like, business needs to be on autopilot. But when I went back to it, it kept calling me back—don’t give up on this idea, don’t give up on this group of women—like I could feel their energy pulling at the corners of my consciousness. I realized it wasn't quite right. And when I think about mother work and who the women are that I call in—my soulmate clients, the ones I am here to support and help and guide and walk alongside—they are the ones who are looking for an initiated mother.

There’s something I bring to my work as a coach, mentor, and facilitator that is different than, say, a 30-year-old new mom. And when I was the 30-year-old new mom, I still helped a lot of women—there was a lot we wanted to talk about and go through. I think there’s room for everybody, but it's very important that as space holders we know: where is our space, actually? What's the thing we are uniquely qualified and gifted at doing? I was like, oh, of course—I am a gifted seer and space holder for the full range of life and motherhood initiations.

So I know, in my season of life, when I'm looking for mentors and space holders for me, I am looking for initiated women who are not younger and hotter. And there are also women who are like “don't lose yourself,” and, you know, there’s that Champagne Society version of me from five years ago—that was so enlivening. I was different then, not better or worse—just a different stage of my journey. The women I call in now are deep, deep-hearted, big feelers, really soulful, looking for initiated mothers to share space with and to facilitate the conversations they need to have so that they can continue on their Phoenix path and rise, rise, rise, rise, rise. You rise not once, not twice—like a million times. I mean, that’s literally what this podcast you’re about to listen to is about.

So if that is you, and you are looking for a circle of women—not to fix you, not to give you hacks—but to help you drop into your mother wisdom, help you see yourself clearly, connect, and find the “where are the women like me” feeling—the mothers who feel deeply, who want to reset and resource and rise in a mindful, true way—Mothers Rising is your place.

We start October 15th. All the links are in the show notes. It’s gervasekolmos.com/mothers-rising. I would love to have you with us. It’s $3.99, which is by far the most affordable way to work with me at the moment if you want to be live with me on a call where I'm holding space and facilitating. It's not going to be so much coaching as it is circle work. But if you know me, I’m going to show up and be there, so there will be a little coaching. Circle work just feels a little bit different. If you're feeling a little resonance, follow it, because you're going to love how it feels.

Some of the women in my world have been here for years and years. I really believe the reason they come back or stay is because of the group work, the sisterhood, the circle work—how powerful it is and how good it feels to actually move through, spiral up in your mother and life initiations in a metaphorical, supportive, not “fix me” way—using the connections and reflections like a mirror in a circle of women interested in the same journey, doing it alongside you, showing you there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re normal, and also here’s what’s possible. We always talk about one-plus-one-equals-three results in my world, in the Phoenix world. So yeah, if you're feeling that resonance, everything is in the show notes. I would love to have you join us. It will be magical. It will be a little bit of this and a little bit of what you're about to listen to next.

I think that's enough for that—for now. Okay, without further ado, here's a peek under the hood of what I was going through a few weeks back in motherhood, back-to-school season, life, relationships, summer, childcare—did I say renovations? I can't remember. If you resonate, if you like this episode, please let me know on Instagram at @gervasekolmos. Reach out. It's so nice to hear from you, to know that you're listening and things are landing or helping. I’m so grateful for your time and to have you in this circle. All right.

Hello, my friends. Welcome back to the Modern Phoenix podcast. I am your hostess, Gervase Kolmos. I’ve been thinking a lot about content creation lately, in the wake of so many changes in the coaching industry and in the world. I was listening to somebody's podcast this morning, and he was talking about having a podcast and how if our podcasts are just viral clickbait—if we're running them through a predictable assembly line like mainstream news outlets run their content—you kind of get tired of the morning news shows because you want to know what's actually happening out there. If we treat our podcast that way, which is kind of what's happening, we're losing the plot.

The whole idea of a podcast wasn't to be a huge Good Morning America platform or a talk show. It was to be one person's take—a small, grassroots movement of talking to your community about what’s real for you, what you care about; interviewing guests who aren't necessarily famous with a million followers, but who have a unique take, a point of view, a lesson—and having really interesting conversations. It's sitting with me, and I'm going to kick us off by sharing that I want today's episode to be a little more off the cuff, a little more me-to-you. Not because every episode needs to be that way, but that’s where I am today.

Whenever I sit down to record and have these conversations, I’m always thinking: what do I have to share that could enhance and offer value to somebody's day? I think about time being so precious. And I just think when you feel like you're talking to a real person, it’s nourishing. That’s what I want more of in my life. I listen to tons of content, do tons of courses—all the things, audiobooks—and I hope there are moments on the Modern Phoenix where you can come and feel like you're having a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and just having a conversation with me about what it's like to actually be a woman in modern times: wearing the hats, juggling the things, caring about what you care about, and being devoted to soul living, mindfulness, being your authentic self in a world that tells you to be any other way.

So I'm coming to you today a little raw, a little less prepared, to share what's going on in this season of my life—some lessons and what's helping me. Hopefully you can take what resonates.

I'm sitting here in my dining room, which is where I’ll be recording as long as there's not construction for the next couple months. We tried to plan this huge house renovation for June and then July; it ended up starting one week before school in August. Not earth-shattering—this is caviar problems over here—but it’s been an interesting theme in my life for multiple reasons.

A) It's been very disruptive to the natural order and routine of my life as a mom and entrepreneur, and I've realized how much I value and come back to life when I have my own space—literally time alone. That's something I didn’t have any of this summer. I’m okay with that—we’ll get into my summer in a minute—but I’m setting the stage for where I am today, sitting in my dining room. Outside, I can hear them doing construction on a shed in the backyard that we are refurbishing into a “she shed,” an office for me. Meanwhile, they're not doing construction in my house today for some reason—they’re waiting for a permit or something. The bottom half of my house and half of the top half are closed off for construction. Normally the house is filled with construction workers during the day, so I can’t work or record here.

The whole renovation has been interesting because I noticed I had a lot of stories about renovations. One: “this is something rich people do.” I'm just going to put that out there—I didn’t realize I felt that way. Investing money in a renovation felt like a huge up-level, like I was at my edge financially. Also, our nervous system can only hold so much. There’s a lot of correlation between money, romance, work, family—all the things. Your baseline determines how much you can grow or bring in—how much love, abundance, or vision you can manifest—because if your nervous system freaks out and gets dysregulated and overwhelmed when you bring in more, you will self-sabotage and shut it down. It’s unconscious. And I—ding, ding, ding—have been meeting this front and center.

Backtracking: this renovation happened because a few months ago, I was working downstairs. My husband got out of the shower at 10 p.m., and I started hearing dripping in the downstairs closet. We found a leak from the upstairs bathroom into the downstairs bedroom, opened the walls, and found mold. We couldn’t use the upstairs bathroom until we fixed it. We haven't had that bathroom for a long time. But it didn't make sense to fix the upstairs without fixing the downstairs; and it didn’t make sense to fix the downstairs without redoing the whole thing because it was done in the 1960s. So it turned into this whole thing. This whole f—ing thing.

And it’s also something I really wanted—something I dreamed of. I always said, “We’ll upgrade this and that when there’s more time and money and resources.” It sped everything up—which is interesting about being human. We make plans for how long we think things will take, like we’re little robots with calculators. Meanwhile, I know people who planned a single retirement and within ten months were married with a baby. Life works in quantum-leapy, mysterious, fast-forwarding ways.

That's what happened with my house. As soon as we figured out the downstairs renovation, we realized my office wouldn't fit down there, so I’d need an office. Oh—this vision I’ve had forever of a backyard office suddenly became “we’ve got to do it—it’s now or never.” Amidst all this came my financial ceiling of what’s possible and my nervous system feeling so dysregulated, unsafe—“How do we do this?”—freaking the f out.

It would have been fantastic for everything to line up in July, but we still couldn't figure out how to have the money to do this. What’s beautiful is that when I noticed my husband and I were spiraling—we’d already started, got the plans, the architect; we knew we needed to fix the bathrooms and the shed; there was forward momentum; I could feel the timeline collapsing—and yet, in the logical, linear, practical 3D world, the money wasn’t there. So what do you do?

This is relevant for many women I work with. They feel a version of themselves they want to become—present, calm, self-accepting, relating differently to triggers or marriage—but can’t figure out how to get there, how to regulate their nervous system. We always say: the best way out is through.

In my own dysregulation and financial freakout, I had this aha: all the creative answers to my problems lie within. Put down the calculator. Stop trying to solve it in the 3D world. Go inward. That might sound cheesy, but I’m sharing how I blend inner work and real life—and it works. It f—ing works.

Around that time—early July, right after a solo trip taking my three kids to California, then a layover in Dallas to see my sister—after that whole big, awesome trip, I was done. And I was putting pressure on myself to keep up with business, post on Instagram, do all the things entrepreneurs do to make money, be visible, make sure ideal clients can find me.

When I put two and two together—there’s so much pressure in my system: pushing, forcing, stressing, controlling, fear—I realized I’m not going to miraculously come up with $100,000 from this place. I’m not going to have the summer-of-pleasure of my mommy dreams from this place. But I believe it’s possible to have the life of my dreams, and I’m willing to do the work—in the real world and inner work.

So I did inner work and focused. I noticed all the places I was holding pressure, tension, shoulds, doubt, and unrealistic expectations. Summer is when my husband travels for work—he’s a marine biologist—out to sea for 5–10 days at a time. He was gone all summer. Normally his trips get canceled—none were canceled. He was gone back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back. I felt the accumulation on my nervous system and the conditioned mind that says nothing gets to give; nothing is flexible; there are no solutions; you just have to work harder, faster, smarter. If you just did more doing and controlling and planning and prepping, you wouldn't feel so dysregulated.

Anytime I'm in this, I'm like: this is bullsh—. This is my conditioned mind telling me my journey is linear, not a spiral; that forcing, pushing, being perfect, and overdoing it will get me where I want to go—when I’m here for math that doesn’t make sense. We say in my world, in my inner-circle coaching circle: one plus one equals three. When we're out there pushing, striving, performing, playing by the rules, doing everything “right” to make money or be successful or have the summer of our dreams, we're doing one-plus-one-equals-two math. It’s hollow. It never ends up feeling as good as it looks; it isn’t as satisfying; it never ends. It’s the hamster wheel—“I just have to keep it going.”

I don’t want to live that way. I did not quit my job, have three kids, and create a business out of nothing to follow the rules. I want it to feel good, be mine, be magical and flowy. And I also want to reach my potential, take steps, do actions—be responsible to my visions, dreams, creative expression.

So I did what any well-intentioned woman would do: I noticed all the places I was holding pressure and let them go—like walking around a table of Instant Pots, hitting the release valve. Release, release, release. I gave myself full permission to release all the valves. I leaned back. I stopped clutching so tight.

I use this analogy from the book The One Thing—you’re juggling balls. Some are crystal; some are rubber. The rubber balls bounce; the crystal shatter if you drop them. I asked: what are my rubber balls? Obviously Instagram—that is such a rubber ball. My work—where can I put it on maintenance mode? Of course, I’m going to show up to client sessions and obligations. But there’s a lot I do in my work that is not that. I wish it were all just showing up for calls—it is far from that. So I dropped those balls and watched them bounce. I watched my nervous system relax. I gave myself permission to have a summer of true play and pleasure—permission to just be, to enjoy my time with my kids, to do it my way. And to trust we’d find the money for this renovation, it would work out—but I’d come up with the solution from this state of mind, this nervous system state.

What do you know—two days later I’m on the beach with my husband. I finally feel relaxed. We’re talking about the finances. Waves are splashing, kids are running. I feel grateful—we’re staying on Sullivan’s Island at my cousin’s house; it’s magical. And suddenly I saw it—I saw the whole thing in my mind of how it would work. I’m not going into the details, but I did the next steps. I made the calls. I talked to my husband. It was like we had the one-plus-one-equals-three plan. We could figure out how to make the money work.

Fast-forward: here we are. I’m pretty sure we figured out the financial piece. We’re back in the swing of school and work. Work is not in maintenance mode. Here I am recording a podcast in my house mid-renovation. The kids are at school. I have to leave in 16 minutes to pick them up—like, we back out here. And I’ve been noticing my background programming—“rich people only have renovations”—and meeting that edge with softness and curiosity.

I had a client today working on something similar. She was feeling a lot of pressure. We did some somatic work. She started smiling really big. I said, “Oh, interesting—tell me about the smiling. It feels like you brought a little lightness to your intention, a little lightness to the story we came in with.” She said, “Oh yeah—I don’t need to take it quite so seriously. It’s not life and death. It’s not such a big deal that I forgot; it’s not such a big deal that I don’t know how to do this and that you’re here reminding me. It’s just holding it all a little more lightly with a smile.” Like—whew—life is a lot sometimes. Whew—I feel this program running in the background; I am at my upper limit.

Like in The Big Leap, the book by Gay Hendricks (husband of Katie Hendricks, who was on the podcast a couple of weeks ago—you have to listen to that episode if you haven’t). That’s where I first learned, 12 years ago, the concept of upper-limiting. Noticing: this renovation, this shed, this level up in my business is me meeting my upper limits. I’m sharing this to show how—whether financially or logistically, whatever sphere of life—when you meet that upper limit, when you notice you’re at your nervous system’s capacity, the top of your tolerance zone—how do we release some pressure valves and hold it more lightly? It’s not the biggest deal if you make some mistakes or it’s a little sloppy. It’s supposed to be; it gets to be. That is what it is to be human.

Every single coaching conversation I’ve ever had is a process of holding space for all of that and reminding women: A) you have magical, intuitive wisdom within you. When you relax into your inner knowing, when you regulate, soothe, resource—there is so much wisdom inside you and so much creative flow. B) It’s supposed to look like a spiral of death and rebirth. It’s not linear.

Remembering this is the next piece I want to share. Something I’m doing so much in this season, particularly this past week, is anchoring in the metaphor and archetype of my life. As most of you know, I have three kids. My youngest went to kindergarten last week. My oldest started seventh grade and is having some big-girl initiations. Wow—the threshold of this as a mother; wow—the threshold as an entrepreneur. I started my business for freedom in motherhood 12 years ago. Here I am—they’re all out of the house; I’m building my dream office in the backyard; I’m in my dream home—it’s all happening. How do I hold this lightly? How do I remember not to put so much pressure on myself, to resource as I go?

I remember that my life is metaphor. I lean into the feminine path of the Phoenix—the spiral. I breathe into my soul expression of my life and don’t limit myself to “I am a suburban mom of three; I have to juggle dance class and karate and school drop-off, and do this and that for my business.” Because, circling back to what I started with, then I’m just like an AI bot—what is the point? I’m missing the plot. This is about inspiring your creative expression. Unlocking something in me that unlocks something in you. The woman-way, the Phoenix-spiraling way of juggling it all is unlocking full permission to be in the archetype of the Phoenix as you move through what can feel like overwhelming responsibility—life, work, motherhood, friendships, relationships, self, your body. You’ve gotta work out, eat right, sleep eight hours—the whole thing. It can feel like it’s lacking magic. Like, who f—ing cares; let me Netflix and get drunk and—f it. And if that’s where you are, that’s f—ing fine. I’ve been there recently, okay?

Also—what tends to open my heart back up, quiet the noise in my head, get me from my head back to my heart and soul’s expression—is remembering the spiraling journey of the feminine, the Phoenix. Remembering I didn’t create this life to force, push, prove, and pressure myself. I created this life to f up and live and experience and be and have the full all-of-it. Numb out on the couch with Netflix and feel like I’m channeling from the divine. I want it all—depth, connection, authenticity, vulnerability. I’m not going to get it 24/7, but I’m also not going to settle or pretend this is as good as it gets.

What helps me drop out of the noisy logical mom/entrepreneur brain and into my heart and soul is metaphor—the seasons and cycles of death and rebirth. I teach this in Inner Knowing (we created a self-guided Inner Knowing course; I took the live course content and all the value-packed trainings; you can buy it digital—I don’t know if that’s available yet, but it’s going to be soon). In there you learn how to align your life with metaphor and archetype and the spiraling Phoenix journey, so it changes the way you relate to yourself and your life—so it’s not just drudgery: wake up, make breakfast, get in the car line, go to work, punch a clock, go to the gym. Ugh—is that really what I came here for?

No. I want to feel alive, vibrant, creative, unlimited. I want to feel I’m at my edge—working it, massaging it, expanding above it. That’s what I came here to do. My guess is, if you’re listening, that’s you too—the women I call in are wildly curious, creative, wise, intuitive beings; sensitive feelers, healers; women who are done with doing and proving from the conditioned mind and want to drop into inner knowing, into soul, into a deeper, more satisfying meaning.

For me, I have to remember that constantly. I feel the older I get—I'm 41 now—the older my kids get, the longer I’m in business, the more pressure and responsibility I feel. The logistical planning alone to juggle motherhood and work sometimes will kill me. When it does, that’s okay. I give myself permission to feel my feelings fully because I know that’s part of the Phoenix spiral. Letting old limits, patterns, trauma responses—freezing, fleeing, fighting—shed is me rising into a newer, truer, freer version of myself.

Even now, with renovation outside and downstairs, and not being able to find any of my equipment for this freaking podcast—except this mic my husband put on the table—I’m doing it. It makes it exciting. It makes me feel ownership and creative power over my life. We can do it no matter what our life looks like. It doesn’t matter if I’m a stay-at-home mom or a CEO—the magic, the feminine wisdom, is inside all of us. Aligning with archetypes, seasons, our heart and soul expression—instead of the noisy mind trying to solve all the problems and attach all the trauma stories—feels good. It gets to be available to all of us.

I wanted you to hear what’s real for me right now. Every time I go through another cycle of death and rebirth and have another Phoenix moment, I want to share it. I was talking to a client today who said, “I feel so silly that you need to remind me,” even though our session was potent and powerful—release, tears, aha, remembering. I said, “Yeah—modern women got the bill that they’re supposed to be both a man and a woman—hold both feminine and masculine; be one perfect, arrived thing—and that is too much pressure for anyone.” I want my clients and community to know: I am doing this alongside you.

Another friend in my Voxer said, “I feel like I’ve been Phoenixing a really long time. I’m waiting for this to be over—this initiation.” Sometimes it be like that. Sometimes there are micro-initiations in between, inviting us into something fresher, truer, deeper—right there for us—if we mine the lessons from the hard things, feel our feelings, and know the best way out is through.

Another example: my kindergartner (my son) is doing great with kindergarten, but it’s, like, day five. Yesterday at dinner, he started getting upset, worked up and emotional, and said, “I feel like I’m not allowed to cry.” I said, “Get it out. Everybody can cry in this house.” He had a big cry, sat on my lap—the whole thing took not even five minutes. He went back to the other side of the table, gleefully laughing at his sisters. The whole vibe changed because I was like, it’s not a big deal. Your feelings don’t scare us. Your feelings are not a problem. Let’s just get through them—let them come out. It seemed like they wanted to come out. My husband said, “Man, he really did a 180. He was depressed, and now he’s sky-high.” I said, that’s what it’s like when we give ourselves permission to go through it—to feel fully without judging it or attaching our trauma story. We let the body release the story, release the trauma, release the pressure valve.

On the other side is this blissful “oh my gosh—oops, I forgot—life is amazing; I feel clear, energetically aligned; I feel love and connection.” When I was sharing that, I was like: it happens for a kindergartner, and it happens for you. It’s not so complicated—but we make it complicated because we’ve created patterns of self-sabotage and hiding from ourselves when things get rough, or protecting ourselves from vulnerability, flaws, imperfection—instead of mining the lessons. Saying yes to the next whirl around the spiral—up we go—knowing there is wisdom here. On the other side, I’ll have one-plus-one-equals-three results and solutions and ideas and connections and life—and it gets to be so much better.

This season is reminding me: chaos itself is not a problem. Living in a renovation—yeah, it’s not the best; I’ll be excited for it to be over—but that’s not the problem. It’s the pressure we put on ourselves amidst the chaos that creates explosions.

I remember leaving a crying message to a good friend last week: “I have nothing to land or anchor into. There’s no sanctuary in my house, no safe space; I’m surrounded by people; I have to go to this office all day.” I was spiraling. Thinking about it today—“I have nothing to land in, nothing to anchor into”—I’m reminded: oops—oh yeah. Yes, I do. Myself. My inner world is always where I can land, find myself, remember. It’s fertile ground for everything I want to create, even if it feels like I’m at a limit, it’s not possible, or I’m up against a wall. Every time I go through the inner-world tunnel—drop into the underworld—and allow my life to be a beautiful living metaphor, a sacred spiraling journey into the unknown, I always find solutions. I can land, get centered, get grounded.

There are so many ways I do that. This is the work I do with clients—group programs, masterminds, alumni containers, one-on-one. So many doors we can open to remember who we truly are and what’s available to us; how how-we-feel doesn’t need to be the limit if we’re dysregulated, overwhelmed, under pressure, “too much,” “too much responsibility.”

My invitation: allow it to be what it is. You don’t necessarily need to force or fix it. Give yourself permission to find the valves you need to release, to feel a bit better today—and know that sometimes it takes time. I know you think you have no time. I often think I have no time—and always, time is on my side. The capitalistic, patriarchal lie that there’s no time—it’s not true. Time expands to fill the space available (Parkinson’s law). And the more I allow my soul to lead me through time, the more I get one-plus-one-equals-three results with my time too. I fill the time I have with more potent activities instead of hamster-wheel doing/proving/overachieving to avoid uncomfortable feelings, upper limits, dysregulation, nervous-system patterns.

I hope you hear that and feel hope. I know a lot of you are going to be thinking, “How? How?” Okay—book a Soul Shift Intensive or come into any of the programs we have coming up (linked in the show notes). Mothers Rising is next up—a mother circle. We’re going very deep. It’s a beautiful container for mothers to drop into their inner worlds and rise into the Phoenix archetype.

Also, there are so many resources I offer—free resources, podcast episodes, meditations, visualizations, facilitators, community, friends, rest, play, pleasure, nature. I could go on and on. People ask me about resource all the time. I could make you an exhaustive list—and yet I could get you on a call and notice that the one resource that’s right there and you haven’t tried isn’t on the list. Not to make it seem extra hard—just to remind you there are infinite options. Your solution—to release pressure valves, show up in your modern life, get in the car line on time, submit all the things, download all the f—ing apps for extracurriculars and your kids and your teammates and your Slack channels and your speaking engagements and all the things—it’s all possible. It’s available to you.

I invite you to set the intention to land, anchor, and ground in yourself, in your inner world. Know that every hard thing brings you earth lessons, soul wisdom. Once you integrate that wisdom—once you feel that shift, clarity, spark, rising—you’re never the same. You are changing your life. You are breaking your limits. You are breaking generational cycles. This is how we go up and up and up, whirling around the Phoenix spiral. I’m so grateful to have you along for the ride.

I’ve got to go pick up my kids from school, or else I’d probably talk for another hour. So I’m going to leave it there. I love you so much. If you want to book a 90-minute one-on-one with me, the link is in the show notes. If you’re interested in Mothers Rising, the link is in the show notes. If you want to connect with me on Instagram, I would love to hear what’s real for you. If you want more content like this, find me on Instagram at @gervasekolmos and let me know. I love you so much. Thank you for spending your precious time with me. And let us phoenix together through this back-to-school time. Thank you.

How Internalized Capitalism is Controlling Your Right to Rest and Exist

What if that voice telling you to “be more productive” isn’t your inner wisdom but internalized capitalism? Most of us are living with constant pressure to optimize, monetize, and harvest every moment of our lives, and we don’t even realize it.

In this raw episode, Gervase shares a vulnerable moment from her own life that perfectly illustrates how capitalism has trained us to believe we don’t get to just exist. She breaks down how this system affects modern women and offers practical ways to reclaim your humanity.

This isn’t about becoming anti-capitalism overnight, it’s about recognizing the programming so you can make conscious choices about your own 500 square feet of life.

Listen to this episode to discover:

• The moment Gervase realized she couldn’t even enjoy a peaceful lunch with her son without thinking about content creation

• How internalized capitalism shows up in everyday life (spoiler: it’s that voice saying “you’re not doing enough”)

• Why we’ve been programmed to turn every hobby, idea, and beautiful moment into a business opportunity

• The “harvest mentality” and why it’s running you ragged

• How capitalism affects both stay-at-home and working moms (and why both feel like they’re never enough)

• Simple acts of rebellion: ways to reclaim moments that capitalism can’t touch

• Why your worth isn’t determined by your output, and how to actually believe it

• How to create conscious moments of rest and pleasure without guilt

• The ripple effect of tending to your own “500 square feet” instead of trying to change the world

This episode is for you if:

• You feel guilty taking breaks unless you’ve “earned” them

• Every hobby feels like it should become a side hustle

• You can’t enjoy peaceful moments without thinking about productivity

• You're exhausted from the constant pressure to do more, be more, create more

• You want practical ways to reclaim your humanity in a productivity-obsessed world

Resource mentioned in this episode:

• Toi Marie (Smith): https://www.toimarie.com/

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Follow Gervase

• 📲 Let’s hang out on IG: http://www.instagram.com/gervasekolmos

• ✨ Want to go deeper (and get juicy discounts)? Sign up to Gervase’s newsletter: https://www.gervasekolmos.com

• Feel stuck in your career, relationship or life? Need clarity on how to move forward and get your groove back? Book a 90-minute Soul Shift Intensive with Gervase

  https://www.gervasekolmos.com/the-soul-shift-intensive

How Internalized Capitalism is Controlling Your Right to Rest and Exist

Episode Full Transcript

Hi, it's Gervase, and you're listening to the Modern Phoenix Podcast.

Today we’re going to have a little solo episode about internalized capitalism. Now, don’t run away—don’t turn this off—because I promise you I am far from an expert on this topic. We’re just going to peel back one layer of the onion. We’re going to find the ways internalized capitalism affects all of us, relates to all of us, even if we’re just getting started with the idea of internalizing systems of oppression.

Before I say anything else, I want to caveat that many of the things I’ve learned about capitalism, I learned from Toi Smith—T-O-I Smith. She is such a leader in this space. She has an amazing business and a newsletter called The Deepening, which she sends once a week for a year. Each edition includes a different piece of literature and education—a story, a poem, an essay, a law. It is so robust. And it’s all about capitalism—self-education on what the system is, how it affects us, how it disproportionately affects people of color, how it is oppressive, etc. She is a social activist and such a strong leader. I could not say anything without her help. Go to her website—I'll link it in the show notes—and check it out.

Just know that today’s podcast won’t go quite that deep, mostly because I’m not qualified. What I am qualified to do is peel back a layer on how capitalism has created a culture around us and within us, especially as modern women, to be constantly on—constantly doing, producing, achieving, marketing, selling. I see it everywhere: in my clients, in my own life. I feel the urgency, the rushing, the pressure of capitalism. And I think it’s helpful just to name it.

Obviously, nobody’s going to reverse capitalism today. Toi Smith says something about being responsible for “your 500 square feet” of your life. I think that’s really beautiful—and very anti-capitalistic—because it reminds us: you don’t have to change the whole world. You can change your 500 square feet by being here, learning, educating yourself, empowering yourself against the unconscious brainwashing of an oppressive system. You become better able to clean up your 500 square feet, and that matters—because you’re part of an ecosystem that affects other people: your family, your work, your social life, your communities.

When we shift how we see the systems we’ve internalized—starting with ourselves, even just the top layer—we bring a new perspective to our lives, our communities, our work, and our attitudes. It really makes a difference.

I want to back up and share that I’m having a really intense day over here. My husband is getting ready to go back out on the boat for 10 days, leaving in about an hour. I’m packing me and the kids for a trip to California—we leave at three in the morning. I’m working a half day, he’s working a half day, and the three kids are home because it’s summer. It’s a little crunchy.

So I did the thing I always tell my clients to do when it feels like that: I resourced. I slowed down. Even though I felt like there was so much to do and I had to speed up, I know better now. I’ve created new rhythms for myself. I decided to have a “me time moment.” That’s what I’ve been calling it this summer.

I went outside on a beach towel and lay in the grass. My five-year-old son came out, sat with me, and showed me how his babysitter’s sister polished his nails this morning. I looked at the color—blue—and thought, that would be nice. If you’re watching on YouTube or Spotify, you can see I’ve polished my nails since then. I ended up sitting on the towel and painting my nails to match his. He brought his lunch out. We were just sitting there, having a moment.

I could feel my system downregulating. All the “urgent” things cooling from on-fire to okay. Not perfect, not gone—it probably won’t fully go away until we land in California 24 hours from now—but calmer. I heard the birds, looked at the trees. I was having a moment.

And then my mind: “I should set up my tripod and capture some B-roll. I could teach people. I could show this moment and teach women how to take a moment—how to say ‘fuck you’ to capitalism, sit on the grass, polish your nails with your son, eat carrots and hummus, enjoy the day in the middle of the busiest day.”

Then: “Goddammit, why can’t I just have this moment for me?” It actually brought up emotion, which surprised me. Why can’t I just have this moment because it feels good? Because I get to? Because I’m a human on planet Earth sharing a sweet 10-minute pause with my son? Why? Because of my internalized capitalism.

I’m slightly embarrassed to say, but I’m being honest: I got the tripod and filmed for like three minutes on the grass because I thought I might want the B-roll. The truth is, I rely on B-roll and sharing my stories on social media in order to share my work, for people to find me, know/like/trust me, see what I’m about, and buy from me. That is how I make my living. And it also felt sad that I gave up a piece of that living to market—to produce for consumption.

This is how capitalism is woven into my personal life all the time. “Oh, you’re having a moment? You better capture it so you can produce, package, market it, create content from it, and make money from it.” That thread weaves itself through my life. That’s where I notice internalized capitalism everywhere.

I’m not saying I don’t have choices. I do. I could have chosen to keep that moment for myself. I could have a different marketing system. I’m not a total victim. I opt in—often. I also have plenty of moments where I put my phone down for days, go offline, and forget about social media. That has pros and cons too.

There aren’t quick fixes here. No easy answers. Nobody gets out of this one looking like a hero. I started with my example because I’m part of capitalism too. I’m in it with you. I want you to see and maybe feel how capitalism taught me I don’t get to just be. All of my being must serve production, consumption, marketing, sales.

My friend and colleague Becca Piastrelli posted something similar this morning. She said, “You don’t need to turn your jam-making hobby into a business. You don’t need to take your roadside egg stand and create an LLC. Just because you started knitting doesn’t mean you need to sell your knitting to be worthy or legitimate as a human.” You can knit because you enjoy it. For yourself. You can create things because you have a God-given right to enjoy them.

That is the first thing to go with nearly every woman I meet or work with. There’s this program running in the background—an insidious whisper: “You don’t get to be. You don’t get to create. You don’t get a me-time moment unless it adds to your production later.”

The top layer we’re exploring here is: everything we do must serve mass production, consumption, and the making of money. There’s a systemic undertone and a class dimension. In one of Toi’s newsletters I was skimming for this episode, an author noted that a middle class who luxuriates in time and freedom can be “troublesome,” and this dynamic really took hold in the 60s. There is an upper class that benefits from a middle and lower class who must produce to survive—who don’t have the “luxury” to simply be. Control and order for the upper class are maintained when the rest are consumed by survival and struggle.

We’re seeing this play out on the political stage now. I defer to the experts for deeper dives, but the capitalist thread is relevant. The fact that a high-achieving, successful, powerful, even wealthy modern woman feels she doesn’t deserve time to nourish herself is a signal we’ve all drunk poisoned water. We’ve internalized lies that if it isn’t for mass production or making money, it doesn’t get to exist.

If we go back to our ancestors, we see this isn’t “just the way it is.” The land belonged to all who inhabited it—pre-colonization, pre–industrial revolution, pre-patriarchy. Capitalism—brought by colonizers—said: the land is for taking, dividing, owning, and profiting from. Once land was partitioned and owned by the wealthy, the lower classes had no choice but to work to live, because simply existing on the planet incurred a fee.

Obviously, this is not how it was meant to be. If looking at humans is too tangled, think about animals: they just exist. They don’t pay rent to live on a patch of grass. There is an ethical, integrous truth in the belief that all who inhabit the land have equal value. We don’t have to earn it or prove it. We’re born on a beautiful Earth with everything we need. Yes, we’ve created systems where we work to live, but we all start with value.

The colonizer mindset turned time into money and land into power and money—competition and power-over instead of collaboration-with. It all got twisted. This programming runs inside us in the 21st century whether we subscribe or not—whether we’re eyes-wide-open like me with the tripod on the grass, or we abstain (“I’m off the grid; I’m moving to a farm”), or we fully benefit from the system and see no problem. Whatever your stance, you likely won’t change the world today—but you can look at how the brainwashing operates in your day-to-day.

That feeling that you’re never enough, never done enough, never achieved or impacted enough, never scaled enough, never crossed enough off the list—when we notice it, we can begin to change our 500 square feet. We can become more intentional and discerning about our lives, choices, humanity. Do I get to have parts of my life where I just exist? Or does every moment need to be harvested?

A client of mine is an entrepreneur with tons of ideas, and she pressured herself to turn every idea into a product, content funnel, service, podcast—something. When we got to the root of that urgency, we saw internalized capitalism: “Everything must be harvested.” Every leaf of the mint plant must be picked and used for a mojito. But the mint grows because it grows—it’s beautiful. We take what we need and live in harmony with plants, animals, land, people. It’s when we believe everything exists for harvesting, consumption, and scaling into money/production/marketing that we know internalized capitalism is running our system—and running us ragged.

It’s exhausting to feel like you can’t pause because you’ll “lose the next big idea,” or you can’t relax until every cupboard is cleaned. I know that feeling. This is complex—there are many reasons we resort to the cupboards (and honestly, they can be relaxing). But it’s resourcing for me to pause and remember: I have everything I need. I’m already enough. My biology knows how to be okay now—how to create safety, security, contentment, satisfaction in this moment.

If I feel like a hamster on a wheel, chasing the next big thing for so long that smoke’s coming out of my ears—nothing is enough; I can’t stop; I can’t take a break unless it increases productivity or money—then I can say, “Wait. This is internalized capitalism.” Of course I have it; we live on planet Earth where this is the status quo. It’s sad. It sucks. And while we won’t overturn everything overnight, we can stake our claim to our humanity.

Declare: I get to just be. I get to exist. I get moments just for me—just because. Maybe they won’t make me more productive tomorrow. Maybe they won’t make me a better mom. Maybe they won’t give me my next brilliant idea. Maybe they’re just part of being human.

The more embodied I become—the more human in an age that’s losing its humanity, losing relational tools, losing access to depth, wisdom, relationship, compassion, collaboration—the more a little awareness and conscious resting, consuming, creating, and rebelling will make a difference. It compounds over time. It makes your life better when you realize you don’t have to earn your time off, even if your job tells you that you do. You can drink your coffee without rushing. You can take a pee break without rushing. You can go on the grass and have lunch with your son and polish your nails—even on the busiest day.

It will feel good. It will connect you to the earth, your body, your intention. Why am I doing all of this anyway? It will connect you to the people you’re with. These moments matter—more, I’d argue, than making money.

And if you are in utter survival mode to make money, then the rest of us must do better with our 500 square feet so fewer people live in that state. Most women in my community are not in that level of survival, but many have convinced themselves they are—convinced by capitalism, dominant culture, patriarchy, and their brainwashing. A single Black mom like Toi Smith starts on a different rung of the ladder than many of us. These systems negatively impact her far more. I am affected too—but how can I free myself a little more? How can that ripple outward to change the world, my communities, open my heart to contribute to causes, donate to people and missions that make the world better? To vote for candidates and be regulated and clear-minded enough to make a few calls to my senators—because it’s actually not that big a deal.

We’ve been convinced there’s no time to create the world we want because the hamster wheel keeps us “just surviving”—produce, market, consume, buy, make money. I’m asking us to rebalance: a bit of radical self-responsibility and ownership—done in an empowering way. That move takes our power back from constant pressure and urgency and “I don’t get to” victimhood. It returns us to our humanity and to the current of “I am an inhabitant of the earth.” That has always mattered. Since the beginning of time, that has been consistent. The job, deadline, email, voicemail, content, social post—not the pinnacle of living.

We have to live. To live, we have to be. And being is not for others’ consumption of all our moments. Resting isn’t only to be more productive tomorrow. We have to reclaim our enoughness as humans and see the thread capitalism has woven through our lives—with compassion, humility, honesty, and power.

One last thing: notice how this shows up in partnership. I see women struggling because they’re trying to play a man’s game—patriarchy’s game—to earn worthiness through capitalism: “Look, I am enough, I make money. Look, I have a job.” I love being a working mom; I’ve always wanted that. But how did we get to a place where those raising the children—who may not be making money but are nurturing and growing families—suddenly have no value? When a stay-at-home mom believes she has no value because she’s not making money, and a working mom feels the same despite making money—we know the game is rigged.

We’ve been duped to chase what Glennon Doyle calls the dusty pink bunny. Capitalism dangles a carrot: “Work harder, twice the hours, do a man’s job and hours, have kids, look hot, keep a perfect home—and then you’ll be enough. Keep going. We need more workers.” Internalizing that belief serves none of us.

We can choose what’s right for us and our families—working, staying home, having kids or not. But we have to agree: money is not how we earn value. It’s one contribution in a culture starving for depth, relational connection, to feel seen and tended to—for nourishment. We are starved of nourishment. Money is not filling the void. It’s not healing the wound. More doing isn’t getting us closer. Women are doing as much as men at work and still unhappy. There’s friction in couples because we think power comes from money, legitimacy, jobs.

Your value is not up for debate. Your income is not the currency you want to be compared against or barter with. Don’t let oppressive systems convince you to prove your value via their game. Play the game if you choose, but don’t put all your chips in. Don’t let it wreck your relationship with your partner, your kids, yourself because you’re so busy trying to win that you forget to be who you are—to expand and explore what it is to be in this human body on this gorgeous Earth with other imperfect humans—resting, playing, dancing, sleeping, napping, creating simply because you want to try.

There’s something healing about working with your hands. Music for music’s sake. I play the piano and sing even when there are things to be done. Why? Because it brings me joy. It feels like reclaiming my soul, my time, my sovereignty from a world that tells me there’s never enough time, that I must earn, that I must be a perfect pianist for it to be worthwhile, that I must market it, capture it for Instagram. No. It’s for me. That’s enough. That’s the currency I want to trade in. That’s the world I want to belong to. That’s the 500 square feet I’m tending, a little more at a time.

I hope this encouraged you—maybe inspired or educated you a little—to do the same. Not to shame yourself for the ways these systems are woven through our lives, but to make your choices eyes wide open, and reclaim your life for yourself.

Okay, I love you so much. If you want to take this concept—or any concept—deeper with me, your first step is to book a Soul Shift Intensive. It’s a 90-minute one-on-one where we can go deep into whatever is coming up for you in this season. We’ll do some gentle embodiment, coaching, a guided grounding activation meditation, and see what’s ready to shift. It would be an honor to work with you in that way.

I love you so much. We’re doing it. I’ll see you in two weeks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Thank you.