It's OK To Press The "Easy" Button
What if the key to getting hard tasks done when you’re overwhelmed (or just bored!) isn’t willpower—but more pleasure? This week, Gervase shares how to work with your nervous system by infusing your daily life with pleasure and intentionality when you want to give up.
This isn’t about numbing out or pushing through. It’s about tending to yourself so you can stay in the game instead of burning out or bailing when things get tough.
Hit play now to discover:
The kitchen sink saga that sparked this episode, and why it’s Gervase’s North Star when it comes to her business, parenting and I getting sh*tty tasks done (aka: never-ending admin!)
The ONE question to ask yourself when you want to bail on a hard task so you can stay in the game without burning out
Why adding just 1% more pleasure can ease overwhelm, help you get the thing done, and soothe your nervous system
How intention anchors you when motivation is low and pressure is high
How to stay in the “uncomfortable middle” when you want to quit your job (and burn it all down!)
If you’re tired of grinding your way through resistance (or giving up and regretting it later) and you’d like to adopt a more joyful, soul-honoring way of being during these moments, this short and simple episode is for you.
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It's OK To Press The "Easy" Button
Episode Full Transcript
Hi guys, Gervase here, your host for the Modern Phoenix Podcast. I hope you’re watching us—I know you can watch on Spotify and it’s very cool. I’ve had quite a journey with video as an entrepreneur and it’s always felt so fun and natural to me, maybe because I was a theater kid. So watch it and tell me: do you like watching it, or are you a listener?
I knew I wanted to record a podcast today and I had this pretty intense outline on over-functioning, but it was not feeling like the vibe. I wanted to come to you with something more personal, because this is personal to me. This work is personal to me. This community is personal to me. My clients are a beloved part of my circle. My friends listen to this. My life is my inspiration for my work and my healing and this podcast. So I decided to scrap the plan and tell you a story—an anecdote about my daughter—to show how offering yourself a little bit of pleasure as a resource when you’re doing something hard is one of the best ways to work with your nervous system patterns. It’s one of the best ways to have a flexible, resilient nervous system and not get stuck in fight or flight.
There are two examples here—one is a client and one is my daughter. Let’s start with my daughter. Literally before I recorded this, I had a lot going on. My daughter is home sick from school. That always feels like a stressful juggle. She’s bored and looking for direction. The dishwasher broke a couple of days ago, which has totally thrown off our ritual of getting the kitchen clean. I was single-parenting and thought, I’ll deal with this tomorrow. Then tomorrow was yesterday. We ran one load, but, if you know, you know—there’s a ton of dishes. It looks like a bomb went off. We just need to play catch-up, but no one has the bandwidth because it’s not the most important thing.
However, I’ve got an eight-year-old who needs a project. So I said, “Hey, Maya, why don’t you put these dishes in the dishwasher, hand-wash these ones. I’ll pay you $2.” She said yes. She stepped up to the sink—which looked like a dump—and started. After maybe two and a half minutes she looked around and said, “How am I going to do this?” So relatable. She said, “I don’t want to do this,” and started taking the gloves off. She was out.
Immediately I said, “Hold on. Is there something you can do to make this experience a little more enjoyable and not quit?” This is my question to you for everything in life. What we tend to do is get our nervous systems into these janky extremes: go all in—over-function, over-give, over-do, be so disciplined and productive—or swing the pendulum the other way and quit, tap out, numb out, cancel, disconnect, never talk to that person again. Pick a side. Instead, I suggested what I do to get through the misery of cleaning the kitchen at night: pop in headphones and listen to music or a podcast or an audiobook. “Do you want to put on headphones and listen to music while you clean?” She said yes, got her headphones, and went back to the sink. That’s where I left her. I thought, I’m going to record this now without an outline because this is it—this is the work in real life.
This question has become the North Star of my life, my mothering, and my practice. What I’ve found personally and with my kids and clients is that it shifts our nervous systems from “I’m so overwhelmed I’m not doing the dishes at all; I’m so overwhelmed I’ll quit my job; I’m so overwhelmed I’m never talking to that person again” into “I’m still overwhelmed, but what’s one thing I can do to bring a little resource, a little pleasure, a little enjoyment, so I can stay in the game a little more.” Not by pushing through—I’m actually tending as I go.
I’ve spoken about this a lot—resourcing as you go, getting curious when you notice patterns of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Can you ask, “How can I stay with this thing and not fight, but bring in a little more joy, pleasure, safety, communication?” Of course that looks different depending on the situation.
Here’s the client example. She’s been working through a couple of things, one of them leaving her job. That’s a big question with a big answer. It requires untangling, certainty, looking at things from many sides, and feeling into your next right move. Through our questioning, she realized it would be easier to quit her job and walk away than to stay but give a little less. I’m going to say that again for the high-functioning achievers in the back: it’s easier to quit (flight) than to stay while giving less of yourself to the job. We even defined it as “stay in the job, but give a few less fucks.”
We uncovered a pattern that wanted to run/hide/flight or lean all the way in and give 200%. The middle was very challenging and uncomfortable. And to do something in the middle, you have to stay. So if we’re talking about a job, how do you stay in the game and, like with my daughter, bring in a little joy, levity, relief, pleasure? The resource that was needed was: can you give a little less? What’s it like to stay but give a little less? This is another way to bring in a bit of resource while still doing the job, so you can change the neural pathways and find out how it actually feels. You deserve to know before you quit.
Because my sense was, and where she landed, was: you can take a sabbatical or quit, but the pattern may persist. What we resist persists. If you take a sabbatical because you want relief and escape from something overwhelming and demanding—you have good reasons; most corporate cultures are tone-deaf and take advantage of employees—the pendulum will likely swing back when you return. That’s fine; there’s always time. It’s an endless journey of evolving and spiraling, shifting our systems and patterns and choices and behavior and relationships. Nobody gets a prize. These are nuanced decisions.
But what is it like, if you relate to the job thing, to consider doing what you’ve never done—stay in the game—and ask yourself, “How can I make this a little more enjoyable? What would bring a little relief here?” That part—where you notice your patterns and ask this question and begin the gentle, compassionate, curious tending to your nervous system as you work through something to shift how you behave—is how I’ve changed how I show up for my job, for you, in my mothering, and in my marriage. Instead of throwing up my hands and burning it all down every time things got hard, I stayed with my initial intention and asked, “How can I bring 1% more joy, pleasure, relief, resource, support? What might that look like?” There are infinite options. That’s the spiraling, winding path of the feminine. You’re never stuck or locked in. Nothing is the beginning or the end. It’s always evolving. There are always more next right things to try, endless chances. We’re not playing a linear, capitalistic, patriarchal timeline. We don’t need to. Every moment is a new breath and a new opportunity to make a new choice, relate differently to a pattern, sensation, trigger, activation, overwhelm, or defeat. There are so many ways to do that. Those are the things I teach and want you to know.
The last thing I’ll say is: always start with an intention. In focalizing, we always begin sessions with an intention. If you don’t have one, you can really flounder with purpose and follow-through and resilience to stay in the game. Your intention can be silly: “My intention is to get the house not looking like a dump today.” You might feel overwhelmed and think, How am I going to do it? Those are natural thoughts. Okay, but I have this intention. How can I be with it? How can I stay in the game even though I feel overwhelmed, want to quit or escape, or lose myself in it?
Even though I’m not a nervous system expert and there’s nuance between states, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see how this plays out. So even though I feel a certain way in my body and system, how can I work with this intention and bring in just a little pleasure, joy, relief, or resource? Get curious. Get creative. If the intention is “get my house clean,” can I get my kids to help? Can I put on music? Set a timer? Dance around like Mary Poppins? Make it a game? Hire help? Press the easy button?
I have so much going on today and an event tonight. I thought, “I’ll make Buddha bowls—quinoa, roasted vegetables, chickpeas.” Then I was like, What am I talking about? That’s taking up so much space in my brain and this is not the day. This is chicken-nugget day. This is the easy-button day. I can still fulfill my intention of feeding my kids, and it’s within my values because I wouldn’t have that food in my house if I weren’t okay with them eating it. We’re good. There are endless opportunities to make Buddha bowls. Today’s meal isn’t the end all, be all. Our life is full of endless choices—chances to choose again.
I hope this feels personal and also concrete and applicable to anything you’re working through—patterns, intentions for your life, womanhood, motherhood, career, relationships. Get clear on your intention. Then ask how you can work with it with a little more levity, pleasure, joy, resource. Tend as you stay with the intention. And it’s okay if you need breaks—maybe you call out of work for a few days, or take a break from the dishes for ten minutes and go lie in the grass, or whatever your thing is. Sunbathing is mine at the moment.
I love you so much. Please share this with another woman who needs practical, actionable, trauma-informed, nervous-system-based, body-based tips that let you work with the hard, crunchy parts of being human in a way that is creative, optimistic, hopeful, and creates lasting transformation. If you want to take this work deeper, your first step is to book a Soul Shift Intensive—the link is in the show notes. If you have any questions or suggestions for future episodes, find me on Instagram at @gervasekolmos or email us at hi@gervasekolmos.com. I love to hear from you. Thank you for spending your precious time with me. I’ll see you in two weeks. Ciao.