Leaning Back Into Support: Why You Don’t Have To Do It Alone
What if the reason you feel so exhausted isn’t because you’re “not strong enough,” but because you’ve been conditioned to believe you should do it all by yourself?
In this raw solo episode, Gervase dismantles the myth of hyper-independence and shares why leaning back—literally and metaphorically—is the medicine women need to restore balance. From nervous system regulation to generational imprints, she shows how centuries of cultural conditioning have pressured women to “do it all,” and why the real path to vitality is found in community, co-regulation, and circle.
Listen to this episode to discover:
The simple embodiment practice that shifts your nervous system from overdrive to balance
Why “DIY-ing” your healing is a lie, and how we’re biologically wired for co-regulation
How patriarchy, capitalism, and colonizer mindsets created the myth of going it alone
Why being “everything to everyone” is not strength—it’s burnout
The power of circles, retreats, and sisterhood as ancient technologies for modern women
Why leaning back, receiving, and being supported is the new model of success
This episode is for you if:
You feel depleted, overextended, or like everything will collapse if you stop for a second
You’ve been taught that asking for help is weakness
You’re craving sisterhood, support, and spaces where you can be your full self
You want practical tools to regulate your nervous system and soften back into balance
Join us:
Join G in Charleston to tune into your womanly wisdom, inner knowing, and soulful sisterhood: https://www.gervasekolmos.com/chs-retreat
Mamas- it’s time to reset, resource and rise together: Mothers Rising 6 week circle begins October 15th: https://www.gervasekolmos.com/mothers-rising
Work with Gervase:
Book a Soul Shift Intensive: gervasekolmos.com/the-soul-shift-intensive
Free gift: Trust Yo’self hypnosis track
Follow Gervase
📲 Let’s hang out on IG: http://www.instagram.com/gervasekolmos
✨ Want to go deeper (and get juicy discounts)? Sign up to Gervase’s newsletter: https://www.gervasekolmos.com
Leaning Back Into Support: Why You Don’t Have To Do It Alone
Episode Full Transcript
Hi friends, welcome back to The Modern Phoenix Podcast. I am your Inner Transformation Coach, Gervase Kolmos, and I’m here to talk about community, receiving, and how our culture and internalized systems teach us that going it alone—pulling yourself up by your bootstraps—is the noble signature of success. That little story seeps into our systems, into the ways we woman, into our relationships… and the reality is a lot of our nervous systems are absolutely fried.
I have a lot I want to dig into with you today. First, let’s begin with a subtle embodiment exercise. If you’re driving, just listen and do this later. If you can, sit back in your chair, or on your bed or the floor. Pause what you’re doing for 90 seconds and close your eyes.
Bring in a curious observer. For 90 seconds, simply notice what it’s like to be you right now. Is your energy leaning forward—pushing out, giving, doing, “I’m ready to show up”? If so, that’s totally normal. Most people I work with live there. Now experiment with leaning back—literally. Let your chair support you. Allow yourself to receive the sound of my voice. Notice what shifts.
How do you know it’s different? What do you feel in your body? When we unconsciously lean forward to meet life, many of us get tense—hips coiled, neck tight. When someone cues you to lean back, you realize you can still participate and relax a little. That creates more support whether you’re listening to a podcast, showing up for work, or folding laundry.
That intelligence running through you matters. The simple act of leaning back can be the difference between fried, burnt out, depleted—or nourished and resourced, honoring the body’s “go this way” cues. I’m always curious how my body signals “I like this,” and what’s created in my system when I honor that—more balance and sustainability.
Why this today? I had a session with a client who gives a lot in her life—mom of three, always doing. There’s likely a generational imprint of energy-out: perform, push, produce. We explored her relationship with leaning back—receiving, resourcing. Simply noticing those differences and honoring her body’s cues created a huge somatic release. She was shocked by how much her body had been holding from always leaning forward—and how quickly things shifted, not just in thoughts, but in the heaviness, overwhelm, and burnout in her body.
Here’s what I want to share: the pattern of always leaning forward and never giving ourselves permission to lean back isn’t just about trauma or “the modern woman.” It also tells a story about American history and the imprints we carry—colonizer and conquistador mindsets, capitalism—whispering: “Lean forward. Achieve. Doing it alone is noble and heroic.” But that’s not how anything actually happens.
We’re part of ecosystems that support what we create. It’s like a seed insisting it made the flower happen. The flower might say, “Well, the sun warmed me, there was water, a gardener planted me, the soil was rich, and the bed was the right temperature.” That’s the human reality. Yet we’ve internalized systems—a dash of internalized white supremacy, a dash of colonizer mindset, a dash of capitalism—that have us believing the lie that one-person output equals success. The truth is a dance between doing and receiving, leaning forward and leaning back, inside an ecosystem of support and community.
Many women join coaching calls and say, “Why couldn’t I get there on my own?” or “I feel dumb that I needed help regulating.” It’s wild that we’ve bought into the lie that nervous-system regulation should be a DIY project. We are biologically wired for community, connection, and co-regulation.
So imagine a lasagna of layers: the ecosystem we’re part of, plus the inner balance of forward/leaning back. Many women have both the brainwashing that says, “DIY it. Be strong in silence. Don’t ask for help,” and the cultural demand to be everything: stay-at-home mom, homeschooling mom, chef, sex kitten, working mom… to be it ALL. I’ve felt that pressure, too. The cost is vitality and aliveness. When one woman is supposed to be the breadwinner, the nervous-system regulator, the homemaker, the relationship builder, the designer, the chef—she’s forced to lean forward 100% of the time.
What we’re building—trauma-informed and historically honest—requires leaning back into circle: other women, networks and systems of support. We have to practice the truth that our value and purpose include receiving. It’s not just normal—it’s required—to have support: a mentor or therapist, a women’s group or circle, retreats, church, girlfriends. We need sacred spaces where your weary soul can settle and answer, “How are you, really?” Not chit-chat—though fun has a place. If you don’t have a space for sisterhood and co-regulation, you’re going to burn out. Gaslighting yourself with “Why can’t I do this alone?” is just another layer of the internalized overculture: the brainwashing that pretends the ladder was climbed without anyone holding it.
This isn’t a full anti-racism deep dive—that’s a different conversation with different experts—but we have to notice the conditioning. Like with internalized capitalism, we listen for the little voice insisting this is “just how it works.” It’s bypassing the truth of what lets a flower bloom—or a woman come into full ripeness, vibrancy, aliveness. She needs a web of support—like a woman in childbirth needs midwives to lean back on. There’s nothing noble in doing it alone. If you live like that, you probably feel exhausted and terrified that if you slow down for a second, everything will collapse. You might be right—and that’s information. It wasn’t meant to be held together like this.
Patriarchy’s perfect woman does everything for everyone. Bullshit. It’s not serving us.
That client who leaned back—maybe for the first time in weeks—released a lot. A new imprint emerged in her body: “Thank you for letting that fall apart. That didn’t feel good. We weren’t our best selves. We couldn’t keep going forever. We need support. We get support.” Thank you for finding people who hold space, for learning places that give you permission and tools—even if it means prying control from your white-knuckled grip.
Women are wise. We find safe circles that teach our bodies to relax back. It’s okay to feel afraid. On the other side of even one hour of dismantling? It’s like a snake shedding its skin. A woman relaxing into her feminine, realizing she doesn’t have to be both sun and moon. She gets to be the ever-changing moon—the tides, the phases of a 28-day cycle—and the sun gets to be the sun. Both matter. They work together. That’s masculine and feminine.
(If you’re watching on Spotify or YouTube—my tattoo: a sun, a moon, and three stars for our family. When we’re optimal, my husband anchors the masculine, I anchor the feminine, and our three kids get to be the stars.)
The sun rises and sets predictably every 24 hours—just like the male hormonal cycle. The feminine changes daily—our cycles can literally sync with the moon. Masculine/feminine here isn’t about gender essentialism. The metaphor is rhythm: the moon expands and contracts; full bloom and dark rest; leaning forward and leaning back.
A modern woman needs to remember not only her magic, but the balance of her inner masculine and feminine. None of this says “masculine is bad” or that you can’t be a single parent or trans or anything else. Take what works and leave the rest. I’m speaking to the woman who’s been doing “a man and a woman’s” job for years and is exhausted. Some seasons demand more. No shame. And also: as the wise woman, you get to find the safe circles that let you be “just a woman” for a season—so your nervous system can rebalance, your patterns can unwind, and your energy can restore.
We could link to many past episodes on trauma patterns and overdoing. And this is the work I do. If you’re thinking, “I feel this and don’t know where to start,” and it’s not the time for 1:1, Mothers Rising is a six-week mother circle for $399—a space to drop in, lean back, answer “How am I really?”, and rise together. So much healing happens when women gather, mirror, and compost each other’s pain and beauty.
I also have The Phoenix Retreat in Charleston, November 6–9—an intimate, in-person space to lean back, receive, reset, and connect with women. Different price point than a six-week circle, same intention: community as medicine. We need the village.
We built suburban palaces where red tents once stood. That image hits me. Our task is to weave that predicament with progress—be real about now, and ask: where can I explore in my own body and life? How do I relate to my brainwashing and my body’s patterns, my resistance to or desire for support? How do I create “red tent” energy in my life in a way that works for me? Maybe you don’t want a literal red-tent gathering—great. There are many ways: join a circle, come to retreat, reach out. I create experiences in different flavors so women can co-regulate, collaborate, and rise together.
Practice: “What is it like to lean back and receive?” The more normal you make that in your body, the easier it becomes to ask your kids for help, ask friends for what you need, ask your partner to show up—and the more quickly life responds, because you’ve grown the garden you wish to belong to.
Another garden metaphor (they just work): you are a flower in the garden; you are the moon; you are the feminine; you are medicine. Every circle you think you’re “imposing on,” you are also part of circles that need you. It’s give and take. It’s the harmonizing of masculine/feminine, yin/yang, light/dark that creates the garden, the universe. That’s the magical world I belong to—and want for every woman.
If you feel hyper-individualism coursing through your veins, that’s okay. It’s water we drank. Now that we know better, we can do better.
I love you. Please share this episode with a woman who needs to remember her wholeness—what it’s like to lean back, receive, relax, and be her full feminine self. I’d love to hear from you on Instagram @gervasekolmos—tell me what resonated or what you want more of. See you back here in two weeks. Ciao. Bye.