It's Not Your Job To Make Other People Happy
How often do you hold back, soften your words, or twist yourself into knots just to make sure no one gets upset? Whether it’s navigating a tough conversation with your partner, setting boundaries with your kids, or simply taking time for yourself without guilt, many of us have been conditioned to prioritize other people’s comfort over our own truth. In this episode of The Modern Phoenix, Gervase is sharing a behind-the-scenes look at a live coaching call from The Phoenix Revolution, where she explored the deeply ingrained belief that your peace depends on everyone else being okay.
If you’ve ever found yourself walking on eggshells, silencing your needs, or measuring success by how well you "land the plane" in a tough conversation, this episode is for you. You’ll hear real coaching, real breakthroughs, and a powerful shift in how we approach boundaries, self-trust, and standing in our truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
Why so many of us feel unsafe when someone is upset with us (and how to shift this pattern)
How placing your power outside yourself keeps you stuck in people-pleasing patterns
The sneaky ways perfectionism and control show up in relationships
What it really looks like to stand firm in your truth, even when it’s uncomfortable
A new way to approach difficult conversations that centers your needs, not just theirs
Tired of bending over backwards to keep the peace? Are you curious what it would feel like to burn people-pleasing patterns away and stand in your own truth, powerful and calm in the face of chaos, or other people’s expectations?
It starts with a Soul Shift:
The Soul Shift Intensive was created for the woman who is ready to leave behind the stories society has conditioned her to believe, and instead embrace the calm and clarity that comes with being connected to soul wisdom.
Check it out here: https://www.gervasekolmos.com/the-soul-shift-intensive
Did someone mention Pleasure?
Summer may be over, but the Summer of Pleasure free Masterclass is timeless:
Read more here: https://www.gervasekolmos.com/summer-of-pleasure
Follow Gervase
Connect with Gervase on Instagram: www.instagram.com/themodernphoenix
Visit her website: www.gervasekolmos.com
Resources:
It's Not Your Job To Make Other People Happy
Episode Full Transcript
Hi friends, it’s Gervase here, and I want to cue you up for this episode of the Modern Phoenix podcast because it’s going to feel and sound different than past episodes. This is actually an excerpt from a live coaching call I had with a group of my long-term clients. What you’re about to hear wasn’t recorded with the intention of being a podcast, so it’s a little more off the cuff and casual. You can tell I’m in a really intimate relationship with the people I’m talking to. I have more of a potty mouth—if that’s even possible—because some of these women have been with me in coaching containers on and off for like five years. You’re going to notice that when you listen.
This episode is my response to a common theme I heard in the group that day. The group is my alumni coaching container, The Phoenix Revolution. Often we do hot seat coaching, though sometimes I’ll do riffs. We do mindset, embodiment, circle work—it’s really high touch. One woman had been echoing a theme I’d heard before that day. She shared a personal story of going through a triggering situation, talking about money with her husband, and moving through stages where first she felt super triggered and overwhelmed. She reached out to the group on Voxer and we were all chiming in, coaching, and supporting her that way. Then she followed up: “It actually went really well because I focused on landing the plane. I knew I had to land the plane well. He received what I had to say in a really calm way.”
We all know what this is like: the conversation went really well because I bent myself into a pretzel to make sure the other person was super comfortable. “Things are going well because externally I have proof.” But what we do in this coaching container—and on this podcast and in everything I do—is teach a woman to feel her power from the inside out, to know her boundaries from the inside out, to focus on recreating neural pathways and habits that give her not just permission but courage and literal capacity in her nervous system to feel through: What’s right for me? What would feel like a success for me in this conversation? How do I want to show up? What’s my boundary? Where’s my line? What’s my yes and my no? And then feel stable, grounded, and strong enough to be okay with whatever the other person’s reaction is. Holding space for the humanity of the people we love is a big part of this work.
I jokingly referred to this as a sermon; it really highlighted that theme. We all felt it was a valuable riff to share on a broader platform so you could have the same mindset shift—and to give you a sense of what it’s like to be in a coaching container with me. A lot of women who come to me for private coaching come from the podcast. You’re discerning customers—which I highly recommend. Really know, like, and trust the person you’re working with. Listening to this gives you an example of what it’s like to be a fly on the wall on a group coaching call. It’s very different from one-on-one, where I definitely talk way less.
I’d love to hear what you think. Did this topic resonate for you—this idea of placing our power inside of ourselves instead of outside of ourselves? What did you learn? Would you like more episodes like this? Hit me up at @gervasekolmos on Instagram or email us at hi@gervasekolmos.com and let us know topics or very relatable relationship challenges you’re bumping up against in real life. You are not the only one. You’re never the only one. And you’re not supposed to just know how to do this. We learn how to rework the way that we woman together in community, because the conditioning tells us to do it the other way. That’s part of what I was letting this client—and all my clients—know on this call: it’s not your fault that you were manipulating the situation to do it this way. This is what women have been brainwashed to do. Not anymore. Not on the Modern Phoenix. I hope you love this episode. Please share your feedback. Without further ado, here we go.
Welcome to Gervase Church. The thing you said that is so relatable—that everyone can relate to in a different way—let’s fill in the blank like Mad Libs: “I needed to land this so I could say it to my husband and he wouldn’t freak out. And my win came because I said it to my husband and he didn’t freak out.” Of course we understand this. We want to set the boundary with our child without them hating us. When you set a boundary and they say, “You’re the worst mom ever,” and they storm off—yet they observe the boundary but are mad at you—that doesn’t feel good. Our job as parents is to set firm, loving boundaries. That’s it. Their job as the kid is to feel however they want about that boundary—and honor it.
We can see this clearly in parenting. We can fill in the Mad Libs blank and see all the ways we do this: we put our power and our safety outside of ourselves. “I can only do the hard thing I need to do—set this boundary—if my kid isn’t mad at me. But as soon as they push back, I don’t feel safe, so I can’t set the boundary.” Then everything falls apart, because we need those boundaries for the kid to thrive. We need our own boundaries. We need moments where we are the rock. It’s critical to creating what we want in our lives.
Another example I heard recently: a client said, “I took a break from my desk and did this thing for myself—I went to a workout class—and I was nervous my boss would email while I was away and I’d get in trouble. But it was okay because I came back and nobody noticed.” So it was okay because the boss didn’t find out. Never mind that she’s a boss-ass bitch who deserves to take an hour for a workout; it doesn’t affect her quality of work. It’s framed as a win if her boss didn’t get mad. The goal is: you do the things because you honor yourself. These are boundaries of self-honoring, self-protection, self-care. You set those boundaries with your boss even if it’s uncomfortable, because there will be a time when someone’s looking for you while you’re at Pilates. They’ll be pissed because they wanted you right now. “I bet you wanted me right now. I was unavailable. I’m here now, ready to do my best work. What is it?”
Now let’s take it to our husbands, ladies. We all want to do things in a way that is pleasing to our husbands, because when they’re mad at us, it feels really bad. “I can’t feel safe if my husband is mad at me.” The patriarchy says, “If he’s mad at you, he’ll kill you.” There are literally countries where that happens if you’re not pleasing to your husband. I do not believe we are in one of those countries—hope not. So we have to explore the edges of our excuses around our own boundaries, where we say, “I have to figure out a way to make them okay so I can be okay.” This places our power outside of us. Once we do that, we will never get it back. We won’t feel calm or safe or in control. And other people—even those who love us, like our kids and our husbands—won’t know that we matter, that we have our own power, knowing, desires, and wants.
The ultimate flex is catching it and going, “Oh, I’ve put urgency on landing this plane just so, so I can be me and make sure he receives it calmly so I can feel good.” Can we get curious and ask, “How can I be calm right now no matter what, with what I’ve got—this group, Gervais, my tools, my body, embodiment, resourcing? How can I be okay right now?” That frantic feeling—“I need them to be okay so I can be okay”—is my conditioned mind. It’s a lie from a culture that tells me I’m only as good as the people I make comfortable and serve: happy kids, happy husband, boss who gets everything they want, friends who can reach me anytime, clients who never wait an hour for a Voxer message. I don’t think that’s true. It can’t be the best way for a culture to thrive.
We understand why we have this conditioning as women—deciding our power, safety, and okayness depend on others not being mad. It’s complex; there are real reasons. We’re not here to gaslight ourselves. There are ways to resource ourselves and remind our bodies that safety and security are right here: “I am unshakable.” Now I’m going to talk to my husband. Now I know the difference between “I’m grounded and uncomfortable” versus “he’s ungrounded and uncomfortable.” He gets to be that way. He gets to be him, and I get to be me. This might take a while, especially if we’ve never done it before.
In the last six months, I’ve had some very interesting money conversations with my husband. We used to not have these at all. We started like most women: we just won’t talk about it. We’ll hope it works out, or it never comes up, or I never spend a little too much or make just not quite enough to make him uncomfortable with the number in our bank account. We’ve been through periods where that bank account was literal zeros. You want to talk about money work—I have done money work. It was fascinating this last time we talked about money because I was like, “I am here. Let’s talk about the bank account and all the reasons it looks the way it does and all the plans and solutions going forward.” We were both solidly resourced in ourselves, having a conversation. I thought, we think we know it’s working when there’s a million dollars in the bank. But to me this was our final money test: we’ve come so far we can have this conversation. Spiritual psychology teaches it’s constant earth lessons on the same topic until the trigger comes up and you’re not triggered. “Huh. My body feels unshakable, but this external thing is telling me I’m not safe—the bank account, this person. How am I now?” I said, “Here’s the plan. Here’s what I feel and know. Your turn.” He said, “Same.” Both a little uncomfortable, but okay—hold hands, take another step. Here we go.
That’s where we want to go, because the money will always be changing. We think there’s a magic number; there’s not. We say, “There will be a time when the car’s not breaking or we don’t want to pay for that program.” There’s not. We’re here. In The Science of Getting Rich, he talks about this: we’re here to express the full expression of being alive. We do this through money. Life will keep doing its thing. The earth stackers will keep showing up. So how do we relate to this so I’m safe no matter what? I know my boundary no matter what. I don’t like it when my husband’s mad at me. Also, my work—this has been big—has been shutting up and letting him be however he is. Being in charge of my vibe: who am I being, how do I feel, where is my power and safety, where is my water? Focus on minding my own business, staying in my lane, resourcing. Come back to the conversation—because we live in the real world and still have to pay bills together.
That’s a beautiful reminder of how the slippery slope can get out of hand. We can feel like, “My whole life is out of control. I have no power and don’t know what to do.” That is uncomfortable. Of course we want to strengthen that inner steadiness. Everyone strengthens this by, “Where’s my water?” Feel how you feel, but don’t move into action. When we feel how we feel and immediately call the person, send the text, have the conversation, make the decision—we’re perpetuating the same chaos. When we feel and then ask for resource, we can say to our husbands, “Could you hold me? Could we have a hug?” Our partners get to be part of our resourcing. We’ll know if we’re avoiding discomfort or if it’s, “We’re not ready to talk, but can you hold me?” Or we can send a text: “I love you.” The more we practice feeling the uncomfortable and resourcing our bodies, the more we create new neural pathways that build strength, stamina, and capacity to be with a husband’s energy.
Where’s your water? Because he ain’t it. I know you think he is your water—he’s not your water. He doesn’t have to keep you alive to be your partner. Partnership is a beautiful place for healing, resourcing, mirroring, working on your stuff. And also—the Phoenix way, the “It’s All Me” framework—is, “Oh, it’s my work again.” I had a whole coaching session months ago: all my husband’s fault. Then I was like, “Wait—nope. Didn’t clean up my side of the fence yet.” But I’m so evolved! Nope—same old stuff. Great. It was a great opportunity, and I’m changing that. It feels so good when you realize, “I don’t have to control them or make sure they’re not uncomfortable. I just have to work on my stuff.”
Thank you for coming to this sermon. Thank you for coming to church today. I did a dance class before this, and apparently I am very resourced and have a lot to say. It’s interesting: when you’ve ignored pleasure so long, you have zero clue what that could be. Then trying stuff out, seeing how simple pleasure actually is. Sunshine. Sometimes it’s microdosing pleasure. Five minutes of sunshine when you’ve had zero for five years makes a big difference.
All right, that wraps it up. What did you think? What are you taking from this episode? At the end of my sessions, I always ask: what is your takeaway? After that group coaching call, here are some of the things the women said. I type them in the chat so they have the note of their transformation or aha moment.
“Can someone teach a class about how it’s not about making other people comfortable and happy? A majority of my life and marriage I thought that’s what I was supposed to be doing, and now I’m like, what on earth was I thinking?” (This inspired a reel we’ll link in the show notes—I was like, I’ll teach a class about that.)
“It's okay to not know everything. Your body is still learning it.” Yes.
“It’s all practice, and it’s all okay. Wherever I’m at is okay.” I love that. It’s something I’m always reiterating and having women embody.
A couple other comments: “Keep practicing. No one knows everything already.” And: “My hard thing is I ‘should know this already.’” Do you relate to any of these? They’re brilliant, wise, and honest. When we give ourselves space, permission, and communities to have these wild perspective shifts, everything changes. The way we relate to everything can change.
I hope this gave you another way to reflect on how you set boundaries, where you place your power in relationships and otherwise, what holds you back from taking care of yourself, and what internalized conditions you may have accepted as facts and truth. Maybe—just maybe—you can change your life one brave decision at a time. I am here to help you. The Modern Phoenix Podcast is here to help you. I hope you’ll meet me back here in two weeks. I love you so much. Till next time. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
Thank you.