How Overfunctioning Disconnects You from Your Body and Your Life
Does every task on your to-do list feel as equally urgent and like a threat to your survival? In this week's episode, Gervase dives deep into the pattern of over-functioning that keeps so many women stuck in perpetual stress. You'll learn why your nervous system gets locked in high alert and overdrive, even for unimportant tasks such as the laundry. And how this cycle of perpetual doing and achieving causes burnout and a never-ending sense of “psychotic urgency.”
And to help you rewire these patterns, Gervase shares practical steps such as how to reconnect to your body, slow down and create moments of calm even in the chaos of modern life.
Watch this episode now to discover:
The biggest indicator that you’re an over-functioner and how this “psychotic urgency” prevents you from being, enjoying and living life
Why your brain can't relax when it’s stuck in overfunctioning without signals from your body first (and how this creates a chicken-and-egg problem for over-functioners)
The real cost of constantly operating like a computer instead of honoring your HUMAN need for rhythm, rest and pleasure
A simple 4-step practice to interrupt the overfunctioning pattern when you feel yourself spiraling
The narcissistic-like belief many of us have that unknowingly depletes your energy (and how to contribute without sacrificing yourself)
How to create 30-second intervals throughout your day to tune into your body’s wisdom and gradually rewire your nervous system
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How Overfunctioning Disconnects You from Your Body and Your Life
Episode Full Transcript
Hello, my friends. Welcome back for another solo episode of The Modern Phoenix Podcast. I am your host, Gervase Kolmos, Inner Transformation Coach, here to guide you out of the cage of your conditioned mind and into your body and soul wisdom.
I want to talk to you today about over-functioning. As I was prepping some notes for this episode, I noticed the way I was describing things could almost be pathologizing because I was going to say, “Let’s talk about our over-functioners,” like you are either this person—this type of woman—or you’re not. And then I was like: uh, hello, I was over-functioning yesterday. I might be freaking over-functioning right now.
It’s not bad or wrong. It’s just a way that we survive the pace of modern life. So I want to talk to you about a pattern—a way of womaning—that I call over-functioning. You may even identify with, “I am an over-functioner,” and that’s fine. That’s a part of you. But it’s important to have this conversation in the context of the real world and to acknowledge that over-functioning is kind of how we get shit done, right?
It’s how I, today, am able to record this podcast, do a two-hour group coaching call, pack my family of five, go to the grocery store, parent my kids, and leave for a flight tomorrow morning. It’s part of the gig. And also, because of the fast pace of modern life, so many of us have gotten a little stuck in over-functioning. I want to share what that can look like, why it happens, and what to do—how to get it unstuck a little bit—and things I do on days like today where I’m like: whoa.
In Inside Out 2—if you haven’t seen it, great movie—there’s a character, Anxiety. At the end, she’s running in circles around the control board and there’s smoke coming out of her ears—cannot compute, moving so fast. It’s so relatable. I feel like that’s how most women feel all the time.
We’re going to hold this with a both/and: while that is highly relatable and sometimes supportive to function in the modern world, I also see the ways we get stuck—like Anxiety in Inside Out—and we need tools and guidance on how to pull out of overdrive to normal functioning… maybe minimal functioning… maybe not “functioning” at all—maybe just living, being, enjoying your one incredible life. Because isn’t that the point?
I keep coming back to this. The to-do list and getting everything done—yes, it’s satisfying—but then something inside me is like, really? Did you see the sky today? It’s pink. Did you know there are tiny particles out in space? The list cannot be it.
I was talking to a client yesterday who would definitely self-identify as an over-functioner. The list does feel good to complete. And also, I’m here to give you access to your birthright, which is not just brain functioning—thinking, planning, executive functioning, making it happen—but also the body and the soul being along for the ride so you can enjoy what gets created as a result of the functioning.
We’ve all had this experience: you do all the things to get ready for vacation, and then you go on vacation and you still don’t feel relaxed. You still feel anxious. You’re like, “How come I don’t feel better? I did all the things on my list so I could get to vacation and relax.” I’m not saying it never happens, but I noticed for me—on a trip with my husband about five years ago—I still didn’t feel relaxed. I realized this isn’t a “get-shit-done” problem. Over-functioning isn’t supporting me here. I need tools and access to communicate with my body that it’s okay to relax now. Hey—this is the living part.
Obviously, it’s also problematic that we build lives we need to escape from and then have only a couple weeks a year to enjoy them, but that’s neither here nor there. Let’s talk about over-functioning.
If I distill it, what I hear my clients say is: “I want to feel like it’s okay to shut my brain off. I want it to feel realistic, practical, and doable to chill out—but I don’t know how.” Here’s why. When we get into a fast pace of doing, we signal to the body: everything out here is a threat. We’re overactive, hyper-vigilant; there are threats everywhere and they’re all equally important.
You’ve heard me say: everything is not an emergency. Everything does not get equal weight. If everything starts to feel equally important, that’s a sign that the pattern of over-functioning is blocking you from enjoying your life—from pleasure and access to your body and soul sovereignty.
When the brain has convinced the body that everything is a threat, the nervous system can get stuck in overdrive. It’s kind of a mind-fuck because to relax—to slow down, to feel safe shutting off your brain—you need a signal from the body. The body must interrupt the brain pattern. But it can’t because it’s stuck, because the brain is moving so fast and doing too much. Chicken-and-egg.
This is where I come in. This is where tools, practices, and sisterhood come in. If you try to DIY this, you likely won’t be able to. It’s easier to see in others. I watch my husband sometimes—he’s such an over-functioner, so good at life—and he needs help. He cannot do less. He cannot shut his brain off. He listens to my hypnosis tracks in the middle of the night all the time. I’m always like, “Oh, it surprised me that that works,” and then—why am I surprised? You all should be listening to my hypnosis tracks in the middle of the night. It’s why I include them in my programs and give them to all my private coaching clients: we need access to the parts of the brain that are open. The subconscious is only open if we’re in a state of focused relaxation, which is what hypnosis is.
We cannot relax the brain until we get the body to send the message. If we’re not acknowledging, communicating with, or tapping into the body, we will never calm the fuck down. Physiologically, we cannot. You can go to talk therapy and talk about over-functioning forever—and that can work for some people—but often there’s a block because you need to work bottom-up.
Focalizing equipped me with tools to work with the limbic brain—the part that runs what you’re unconscious of (your breath, for example). I work bottom-up because when a woman is spiraling into story and overthinking—over-functioning, justifying the doing, insisting it’s not practical or safe to slow down—I know I don’t need to talk to her about slowing down. I need to help her slow down the machine. I’m not going top-down, talking to her brain; I’m going to her body. We work directly with the nervous system and the natural intelligence of your inner knowing to let that wisdom move up into the brain.
You can rewire your body—your whole self—because you’re not just a body or a brain; you’re all of it: mind, body, spirit. All parts of you are designed to be online. We work with the body to communicate to the brain, and often you just need a translator. That’s where I come in. Sometimes you need someone to manually help you relax the body and connect to body wisdom so it can open the gates of the brain and send the message: “This is code green.” The grocery list is code green.
I did this with a client yesterday—I do it all the time. Early on, she once said, “Next time can we do some focalizing?” and I laughed because we’d been doing it the entire session. That’s the fun of being in this field for 11 years: I have my own style and signature. I’m always threading mind-body-spirit, resourcing and redirecting, opening gates and pathways. Sometimes it’s more clinical—eyes closed, body drop, grounding, visualization—but most of the time it’s subtle: little cues that connect you for 30 seconds to something besides the brain’s urgency narrative that everything is an emergency and if you don’t do it, you’re not enough.
When I asked this client—after we dropped out of the overactive mind—“What do you notice now?” she said: “I feel calm. I feel like this is progress. I’m on the right path. I feel hope.” These are the messages we actually need to get us through the day. “I’m going the right way.” The brain is convinced that if we don’t push, the train will derail. Often we just need encouragement and reassurance: You’re doing it. It’s safe to be you. It’s safe to do less. It’s safe to slow down for a moment.
We’re working 30 seconds at a time, and that’s fine—and efficient. You don’t need to meditate an hour a day. I help women rewire their nervous systems over months—my favorite container is six months—30 seconds at a time. We’re changing the circuitry, creating communication channels between body, soul, and brain. Then, when the brain hears the message, it takes it into account next time the pattern kicks in.
Yesterday I was trying to catch up on work before a trip to Costa Rica. I felt like smoke was coming out of my ears—like Anxiety from Inside Out. Then I noticed: oh, I’m over-functioning. Pause. You’re good. It’s okay. You can take a pee break. Go outside for five minutes. Sit on the grass for ten. Eat lunch in the sunshine. Drink water. Make a nice salad. These are basic human needs we convince ourselves are superfluous when we’re hyper-vigilant. We think we have to justify them.
I can’t tell you how many times someone joins a call eating and apologizes. Please don’t. You need to eat. We’ve taken the corporate, capitalistic structure and applied it to everything. We’re more robot than human. That might be great for efficiency; it’s not great for health, mental health, relationships, or pleasure.
So how do we connect the two so you feel good while you build that life? Because if your life is for producing and it’s for everyone else—not for you—what’s the point?
I was Voxering with a client who’s had huge leaps in the last year. She was triaging at work after layoffs—stressful—and noticed a part of her witnessing it all: “Oh, that’s what’s happening with that person. That’s what’s happening at work. That’s what’s happening with me.” She said something I loved: “I no longer feel like I need to pull things through me as I am lifing.” That hit me. This was my journey, especially in motherhood. I felt like I had to pull everything through me—be the sieve of emotions and problems. It’s a narcissistic approach to life: nothing outside of me can function unless I pull it through myself. If that’s your posture, then yes—everything’s a threat; you burn out because you’re giving yourself instead of knowing where they end and you begin. How can I contribute without being on the sacrificial altar?
First, notice you’re doing it. Notice the over-functioning, the depletion, the lack of permission for anything not tied to productivity. Modern life is fucking psychotic. What now?
Here are the steps (yes—I brought steps; I’m proud):
Notice your focus is “out there.” When you’re hyper-vigilant, your eyes narrow, your body contracts, you hunch over the phone or desk; your vision zings into the screen. You lose self-awareness.
Check in: “What is it like to be me right now?” Pause. Breathe. Close your eyes for three seconds (if that feels safe). Ask the question. No judgments—just curious observing.
Scan for sensations. What do you notice in your body? Shoulders hunched? Hips clenched? If you’re new to this, you may only notice what feels bad. That’s okay—awareness is the win.
“Where’s my water?” (Metaphorical.) What is one small thing you can do right now to slow down for a few minutes, to feel 1% better? Refill your water and actually drink it; stand up and look out a window; step into the sun for 60 seconds; put bare feet on grass; pee; eat something real. Nothing is too small.
Re-check: “What is it like to be me now?” Maybe you feel the same; maybe there’s 1% less urgency. It’s all data.
This isn’t about fixing it once and going back to a psychotic pace. It’s about repatterning your nervous system and lifestyle so it feels as good as it is efficient, productive, successful, wealthy—whatever.
If all of this feels overwhelming and you want to punch me (lovingly), just book a Soul Shift Intensive. It’s a 90-minute session and I’ll do it with you. We’re not taught how to do this. I don’t do this perfectly for myself either; I have support. Everyone has blind spots.
As I move through my life—even today—I notice: my vision is narrowed; I’m moving fast; I feel anxious. Okay—breath, lean back, inside eyes: “What’s it like to be me right now?” Sometimes my brain feels like an overheated computer. That’s my cue: I’m doing too much. What can I cancel, slow down, or reschedule? How can I create a little space for me today? Then I switch gears.
Resourcing looks a million different ways. In my communities, we’re always talking about it because we’re learning to check in with our nervous systems, bodies, and souls: Are you okay? What resource is needed right now to give my system a felt sense of safety for a few minutes? That unlocks the “gates”—unfreezes the computer.
Think of IT support asking you to restart your computer. Even computers overheat. When we model our lives after computers and don’t feel safe to shut down and restart, what do we think happens? Of course we feel depleted, overwhelmed, joyless, confused. The flex is: I don’t have to over-identify with the crisis to contribute. I contribute plenty—and me first.
Please share this episode with a fellow over-functioner—open your phone and pick five. Pretty much everyone could use the permission, tools, and methodology for feeling better while building the life of their dreams. It’s the secret sauce of life.
Inside eyes. Intuition over everything. This is the way, my loves. As we march into a season of being even more enmeshed with tech, living in a capitalistic society, we have to reclaim agency over our bodies and souls. We are not computers. We have souls. Tend to them. Know them. Honor them. Love them. Enjoy them. Play with them—so your life is filled not just with doing, but with the living of the life. The living of the life is the point.
Thank you for being here. I love you so much. I’ll be back in two weeks. I love you.