So focused on what he did, you don’t know what’s true for you
Hi friend,
On retreat recently, one of the women texted me in bed that night, apologizing for “talking so much about x and killing the vibe” during our circle that evening.
“There is no vibe,” I reassured her. “There’s just what’s true. That’s it. That’s the whole shtick.”
I really get this. This was my entire personality for decades. I would enter a room and immediately, unconsciously determine what the “rules” were here. Translation: who do I need to be to be liked, belong, stay safe in this circle. Raise your hand if you know what I’m talking about.
It’s so exhausting orienting to what you think everyone else needs from you instead of your truth. I’ve watched my daughters begin this dance. They say things like, “I didn’t want to tell you and make you mad.” Translation: I didn’t want to share my truth and put that burden on you or ruin your mood. (I’ve been squashing that left and right, obviously.)
Here’s what I know: We are each responsible for our feelings, emotions, needs, wants and our truth. And typically, we’re so distracted tracking others, we don’t even realize we’re not connected to our own experience.
Most women don't even know it's possible to stay connected to our truth while staying connected to our partners. Most of us only know how to do one or the other.
And nowhere does this matter more than in our partnerships—where we’re literally building a life with someone.
So here’s what I’m proposing: We set this agreement in our relationships.
The vibe can change, but the roots won’t be rotten.
What happens when you have your deepest relationship dependent on “positive vibes” is a foundation of lies. You can’t truly see each other. Neither one of you has the chance to actually be there for the other. When someone is triggered or something is wrong, it cannot be fixed if we’re busy deflecting, avoiding, keeping the peace, or attacking to stay right.
Instead of addressing the root cause of the trigger: Your truth.
What is happening for you when you are upset?
What is your experience?
What does your body and soul hold, and how can we honor that before we bring in the cavalry to start an attack or reset the mood?
When you can stay with your truth instead of immediately trying to fix the vibe (his or yours), repair the mood, or defend yourself, then your partner has the chance to respond to your truth—and vice versa. That’s the only way real, sustainable change happens in our relationships. Beautiful, loving honesty.
This is a practice my clients learn that changes how deeply and truly they are able to heal the roots of all their relationships. And we’re diving into how it can help us Untrigger Ourselves in partnership tomorrow night.
I’m going live Monday (tomorrow), March 30th, at 8pm EST on Substack—and I would love to invite you to join. It’s totally free and casual. I’ll be on camera; you won’t.
I’m doing a live lightning coaching session called Untrigger Yourself—and it’s exactly what it sounds like. Bring your real relationship triggers. The ones you’ve got whole stories about. The ones that have you so focused on WHAT HE'S DOING, you're ignoring your truth altogether. 😅 I’ll coach them live after I take you to Gervase church. 🤭
No slides. No fluff. Just me after I put my kids to bed (maybe with a glass of wine or tea, who knows) talking SHOP WITH YOU about doing life and relationships with other people, particularly romantical partners.
I may or may not have drawn QUITE the diagram for my husband the other night detailing how a trigger works… which may or may not have sparked this entire idea. 😂
Let’s get into it together this Monday night.
This is free and open to everyone—at my new online crib on Substack.
👉 Click here to watch live Monday at 8pm EST
If you’re not already subscribed, you’ll be prompted to do so—it’s free and takes 10 seconds. Download the Substack app and turn on notifications so you don’t miss the moment I go live. (You can watch from desktop without the app, but the app will make for a better user experience.)
See you tomorrow!?
XOXO,
Gervase
PS: The Art of We Mastermind starts this Thursday and it will give us so much space to help you connect to both what's true for you and why it feels so hard to access when he does that thing. 😤 Coaching WORKS, friends. If you've been trying everything to stop spiraling the drain with your man, consider joining us for this intimate 6-week group coaching container!