"Disappointing my husband" 😳
Hey love,
Long, long ago, I was an overwhelmed new mom of one, struggling to be “fine” with the choices of my life, when I was not, in fact, fine.
This “not fine” presented as persistent dread to go to a job I hated each day. Endless tears and picking myself apart. “Why can't I just do this thing that ALL mothers seem to be able to do, which is go back to work?” I would weep to my husband and therapist. Leaving my baby each day to go somewhere I didn't feel fulfilled or joyful was slowly killing me.
So I did what I then thought was “the hardest thing,” and after many therapy sessions, I quit my job without a plan for what was next.
This hard thing ended up being the easiest fucking thing I would do for the next decade. 😂 It was the necessary thing. The boulder in the way of my true path that needed to be moved for me to continue on my journey in the aligned direction of my soul.
Two years later, pregnant with my second, I found myself with a gnarly knot of dread in my chest each day. Around this time I was having some sessions with a gifted coach and she asked me point blank, “What is the fear?”
Without hesitation, I responded, “disappointing my husband.”
This was a surprise to me. My husband has always been incredibly loving and supportive, and I have always been a cocky feminist. 😂
Alas – this was my true thing.
Harder than quitting a job I hated and jumping into the scary unknown waters of blissful freedom . . . was facing the reality that I would let my husband down by not earning what I expected and not hustling how I had planned. The more I honored my body's request to slow down and morphed more and more into a hibernating bear, preparing to give birth, the more internal angst I felt. I had no clue how I would manage the life that awaited me on the other side, and trapped in a freeze shame response, I felt unable move into action. And that conversation with my husband was looming, and it came. And I had to face the unimaginable ick of his discomfort that our plan had to change yet again, and it was all my fault. 😳
What we think is our hardest, scariest thing pales in comparison to the terror we feel when we disappoint or worse, inconvenience, the people we love (and the people we don't love, but whose respect we count on to feel worthy).
I barely survived that first (of many) money conversations with my husband. But I began noticing what I needed and asking for it more and more. I began noticing where I had maybe let him down and addressing that directly with him, AND I DID NOT DIE. 😂
In fact, our relationship became stronger. More honest. More vulnerable, tender and unbreakable. We could be human and fail or ask more of each other and still choose each other every day. 🤯
As I untangled and reorganized my own relationship to myself and my fears, I became more and more safe and secure to have hard conversations. To trade people-pleasing for aligned yesses and nos. Without the fluffing. Without over-explaining or always assuming making THEM comfortable was more important then what felt right for me.
I have disappointed my husband quite a lot over time, and he's done the same to me. Guess what that's called? A normal, healthy relationship. We rewrite our plans and expectations often, as needed.
We've learned smart somatic ways to have hard conversations and give each other space and grace to be “in it” without making it mean that we are wrong or right.
As modern women, our entire foundation is built upon fluffing other people.
Making our husbands comfortable. Making our kids comfortable. Making ourselves overly responsible for our parents and siblings and coworkers.
On and on and on it goes. The conditioning of women to sustain whatever it requires to NOT let anyone down or allow them to feel the fragile feelings of being human.
This is not our fault. We have been groomed for this, of course.
But fuck it is exhausting and life-sucking and paralyzing.
When we know who we are and what we want and feel safe and solid in ourselves to ASK for it and WITHSTAND the reality that other people may bristle or be disappointed or be inconvenienced—this is a super power for an incredible life!
And if you’re reading this thinking ‘fuck, I’ve been fluffing everyone around me and I don’t even know what I need anymore’ – I see you. I’ve been you. And I promise you can learn this too.
And if you’re thinking ‘I need this skill but I can’t get away right now’ – I created the Art of We Masterclass for you. Learning to navigate relationships while honoring your own needs is the skill none of us were taught, but it changes EVERYTHING. And you can do it from home in 90 minutes.
The Art of We Masterclass
Recorded on Zoom
$22
GRAB YOUR SPOT IN THE MASTERCLASS
Whether you need the full immersion of the retreat or the focused skill-building of the masterclass (or hell, both 😂), I’m here for you. Let’s stop fluffing and start living.
XOXO,
Gervase