I’m So Tired of Tracking Everyone’s Nervous System

Hi friend,

I am so tired of constantly tracking the nervous systems of everyone I love. (You, too?)
Of constantly processing who is mad, who is triggered, who needs a hug, who feels left out.

I am so fucking tired of holding the burden of believing that I NEED to know how everyone in the room is feeling, and that it is my job as the woman/mother/daughter/sister/friend to attend to that—and then wondering why I feel overwhelmed, disoriented or disconnected from my body.

I am doing this thing where I practice what I am loosely calling “self-containment.”
It’s something I do sometimes alone, and sometimes with help, but it is in the interest of building a bridge to WE with whomever I find myself in this old pattern of anxious attachment with.

It looks like this:

I notice that I am noticing THEM and how they feel and what they need and want, more than I am noticing ME.

I notice then that knowing that THEY are uncomfortable creates this overwhelming feeling of ick inside me.

I notice an almost uncontrollable urge to HELP THEM. I want to give all the best parts of me to soothe them.

I notice that my urge to soothe them is actually soothing this raging feeling of ick inside me.
I notice that this ‘helping’ isn’t help at all—it’s me using them to regulate myself, and we both stay trapped in the pattern.

I notice this inclination is actually just an urge and not necessarily what I need.
I notice how much of my identity or value has been tied to knowing what they need and removing all obstacles in the past.

I notice how it feels to just . . . do nothing.
I notice how it feels to just let myself be uncomfortable even as I feel their discomfort.
I notice how it feels to feel instead of fix.
(*This part was excruciating at first. 0/10 recommend doing this without the help of a trained therapist or practitioner.🙋🏽‍♀️)

With this slowing down of the pattern, a new level of self-awareness is unlocked.🔓

I notice when I am lost in a spiral of negative thoughts and stories.
I notice the stories in my head get louder and louder the more I just sit in this place.
I notice what the ick tells me when I don’t rush to appease or smile or over-explain or apologize or attack.

I choose something new.

I choose to honor what I actually deeply need to be okay (not what I think I need or what I’m used to needing since I started this maladaptive process as a child).
I choose to resource ME.

I choose a quiet private space.
I choose to put in headphones and listen to binaural beats or meditations or hypnosis tracks or music.
I choose to sit in nature.
I choose to a hug, a nap, tv.
I choose to breathe myself back to an inner feeling of safety and okay-ness.
I choose to ask for help from my husband or coach or friend to be with me until the wave of ick passes.
I choose NOT to engage in any communication—text, phone, talking it to death—until this wave has passed.

The wave passes.
The storm calms.
My body takes a deep settling breath.
As my mind quiets, I remember . . .

This is what it feels like to be there for myself.
I have offered myself the containment I thought I needed from their comfort or approval or apology or “I’m not mad at you” or whatever.
The grip of anxious attachment this person or dynamic had over me softens and relaxes just a bit. Til the next time . . .

Next time always comes.
I am that much more prepared.
It is a little bit easier to remember this is a storm and not the whole story.
I choose to protect my peace over and over again until my peace becomes my power.
It becomes the one thing I can control.
It becomes my tether back to my soul. It is my bridge back to love.

The relationships that vexed me are no longer the villains in my story. They are my most beloved people.

Because of my choices over time, our entire relationship changes.
We are more of a WE. It is not perfect, and it does not need to be.
There is room in our relationship for the messy, for the hard, for the misunderstandings. Because the deepest part of me can always build a bridge to them.

This work changed ALL my relationships, particularly my marriage, and I have facilitated thousands of breakthrough somatic sessions to clients, helping them re-pattern and reimagine their relationships with their most challenging people and subjects. It is my deepest honor, joy and purpose to have these conversations and healing sessions. 💛

To explore how to do this👆 in your partnership, join the Art of We Masterclass Thursday, February 19th.

To rewrite these patterns in real time + sisterhood, join us on retreat over the Spring Equinox, March 18-22nd, in Tulum, Mexico.

I love you. We’re doing it.

XOXO,

G

PS: Last week I wondered (aloud, per usual) if encouraging women to invest in retreats was, indeed, aligned with my mission to empower women to actualize as the version of themselves this moment in history calls for. I have thought about the mix of it all quite a lot, and come to the conclusion that absofuckinglutely yes. As @zengirlmandy commented on that post, “Filling up our own cups during dystopian times is so necessary – sisterhood & solidarity is the oxygen we need to birth a new world.” To connect with women answering the call to wake up, be in their bodies, connect to their hearts, each other, the land and the natural intelligence that will help us feel our way to a better world—join us on retreat. It will be potent, and I'm here for questions.